Baby Steps

Yesterday Amaya attended her 3rd culmination day at school. She is just 2 and half year old and still in Playgroup. Ideally as the name suggest Playgroup is for playing and having fun.

Her school has culmination for every phase of the learning, Its not a big function but where children walk to the stage and talk about an assigned topic/object in front of the assembled parents. Talking means a few words and not even sentences.

The last two culmination had ended in silence for Amaya. She went on stage, saw the big audience and froze. Unable to utter a word she came back. Not that she was disappointed as she does not understand why the whole fuss is about. Although we were little worried. Many children do speak. Some confidently, some scared, some amused. After coming home, she is babbling about the same topic.

I am ok with it. Her father and mother (Us) did not speak much in school till they started college. It was wrong to put expectations on her. She is there to enjoy and not run a race.

Yesterday was different. She went to the stage and said all her lines properly. She sang the song that was required and ultimately said bye to everybody. I, sitting in the audience was surprised, happy and proud.

I have to admit, It’s a good feeling to see our child succeed.

Last April when we took admission to the Playgroup, the intention was to help her interact with others. Living in a house of three, we were her only world. She has always been cold to strangers. She takes time to talk to people and even children her own age. At that time she was speaking only 1-2 words.

We were worried if we were pushing her too early.

By June she was speaking more words but we were not sure how the teachers would communicate with her. We were not sure if she would enjoy school  and be with complete strangers even if it is for 2 hours. She started her school, she enjoyed it and she looks forward to going to school. After six months now, she is chattering continuously sometimes refusing to stop and mostly refusing to listen.

I guess she needs time to learn to control her enthusiasm. She needs her time to learn and discover. She will take her time and my job would be to give her that time. Let her learn and discover without the pressure of any result. I don’t know if I do a good job. Maybe not 100% perfect but then parenting is always learning.

She and me…..Together!

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Uncertain Times!!

The new year starts with uncertainty if not depressing. The company I work for has announced involuntary attrition which means that non-performing employees would be asked to leave immediately.

However it seems that the company is targeting high salaried employee rather than performance. Again this is as per the various news and rumors floating around. The company has not defined any criteria of the lay-offs publicly . This is generating more anxiety and a feeling of uncertain future in the mind of the employees.

I will not comment on the company policy, I guess any company has to take a decision based on what the market and shareholders expectations. After all business defines success on the return of Investment. It cannot be justified or debated upon or rather I wouldn’t want to.

But then the new years starts with a negative feeling and that may harm the company in the long run. Again I am no expert in corporate affairs and its my personal thoughts but an exercise like that where the company targets senior executives who have given 5-20 years to the company might be a tougher on the executive who has to look for a job at that age.

In any job once you start moving up the ladder, the stress and responsibilities increases. There is no fix office timing and personal and family time is what you get in between your work.

The ongoing layoff exercise is shrouded in secrecy and with no concrete information coming from the company, it leads to lots of rumors and a negative image of the company leadership. I guess the company was ready for that too.

Those who leave or made to leave will definitely have a tough time but those who remain will be worse. A sword of unexpected doom will always hang on the employees head. What it will do to their performance and their morale will certainly not be a positive one.

Every employee will be looking at jumping ships at any available opportunity. Employees have lots of expectations and ideas about how a project or company should run. The position or reality at the top is not as per employee thinking.

As for now today, I am not in the list but it does not mean I will not be. The last 3-4 years, I have done well in terms of work but then with no clear criteria, the future always hangs by a thread.

If not this year then next year. The company performance is all about profit and optimizing cost. So either I cry over it or take it in the stride. I need to upgrade myself. Get the borrowed time I have to make myself more relevant in the industry.

There is a feeling of insecurity and only option is to face it. With a family to care off, its their future also that makes me more worried

The feeling of unemployment is scary even if I look brave. I don’t know the people who actually lost thier jobs must be feeling.

Its a scary world out there.

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Amu and I

Same time last year, our house was in a major frenzy. Guest had arrived and I was getting ready for the big day.

It was strange being the centre of attraction. Me as a back bencher was suddenly on the stage with all eyes on me. But then it went rather smoothly.

And now, Its been exactly a year since Amu and I have been married.

Wife has been asking me “How does it feel?”

The truth is, I still don’t know. The happiness feeling is there but how does one have to feel after that?

Completeness! Maybe! Probably! Certainly!

I wonder how I lived before her. I was not unhappy before her. I took life as it  came and more or less it was a contended life even though it lacked that special someone besides me.

I think people who are never happy without certain someone or something are rarely happy after the someone or something in their life.

And now a year later, does it really needs to be analysed on how it all went?

I would say no!

Marriage has brought big changes, in me and in my life! I think I have become more responsible. I have become more rooted.  Marriage is about being responsible, taking things as they come and adjusting to the other person’s needs. Its about taking a step toward each other instead of expecting the other person to walk the distance.

Seems like I have become more preachy too.

So the last year as the question was asked has been really good that it scares me. I have been happy and with Amu at my side more happier.

We both wondered how the first year would be and its finally here. There is no celebration and nothing special. We usher the anniversary quietly.

Celebration are not needed as the whole year has been one big celebration.

Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst!

Wishing you a very happy anniversary Amu!!!!

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The Year Gone By…….

Its that time of the year again when I look back at the year gone by. Earlier I would have lots of post mapping them would make the task easier. Now as I write lesser here, there is not much of a help.

The photoblog takes most of the time. Posting one photo a day has become a ritual, a habit. More than a thousand photos and without a break is an achievement. But then I miss writing here.

Its not that I have much to write here too or maybe I am just plain old lazy.

But its time to look at the year that went by!

Undoubtedly the biggest event was finally meeting Amu. When everyone said that there is always someone destined for you, I laughed. All these years I have seen people meeting with their partners but the destiny always missed me.

So unexpectedly at the start of new year, when I did not have any expectation, I met her. Its been 7 months since our marriage and life is a different ballgame altogether. Relationship and marriage is about understanding, patience, love and trust and for both, its learning on the job.

So for that single reason, 2011 would remain the most loved year of it all.

On the professional front, it was a year of learning new tricks with a major role-shift. I changed from being led to leading. Decision making changed from “them” to me. It also increased my stress level but then its part of learning.

The photographic interest became more than just an interest as money was spent on upgrading my kit. It was learning again when I took more than 16000 Photos and that statistics speaks volumes in itself. I still click with an instinct but understanding the technique a little too better.

The writing took a downhill with Full2 Faltu seeing lesser action. I guess it was giving more importance to other things in life and keeping that soft corner for writing closed. There was once a time when not putting up a post for 3-4 days would make me impatient.

Now I accept that I am not a writing machine. I am still at 3 figure post numbers  after 7 years of writing while my photoblog crossed 4 figures this year. But then in my defence, with more that 16000 photos a year, I have all the fuel to keep the photoblog going for years.

I stopped or let me say I wrote fewer post because I write what I want and when I don’t want, I don’t write. This blog is a place I want to visit when I decide to visit memory lanes. So good and bad and whatever in between, I will write when I feel like.

Its a new year and I decided to keep my eyes open for the world around me. Make some observation and speak my mind of. I don’t know how successful I will be but then I have never made plans and I don’t plan to stick to one. That’s why I don’t have a new year resolution.

So in a year when doomsday prophecies are making round and without any expectation, I prepare for a life full of expectancies and surprises.

And with the same surprise and hope wish all the few readers of Full2 Faltu a very happy and hopeful 2012!!!

 

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Frightened

Last week I was hospitalized. The reason was simple. I had a panic attack and my blood pressure shot up. My heart beats went on an over drive and I walked to an emergency room.

Amu constantly tried to calm me but herself was very scared seeing me in such state. There was no physical discomfort but the fear of something happening was so overwhelming that I could not control the situation and it shown on my face.

The blood pressure and the heartbeats wouldn’t come down. I tried to think something else ending up thinking the same. Finally I was advised to stay in hospital so that they could monitor me. I was connected to a heart-monitoring machine where I could hear a beep everytime my heart pumped blood. I became more conscious of my heartbeats and then I started to calm myself if I though they went faster.

Actually by then the medication had done their work and the heart beats were under control but my freaky mind refused to believe and I was constantly thinking that I may be having a heart attack any moment even though all the 4 ECG reports in the span of 1 month reported of a healthy heart.

It had all started before my Europe trip when lots of work had me all stressed out and thats when I noticed my high BP. The high BP was only for that particular moment and would come down when the situation was controlled.

It was not the first time it was happening. But day by day, I am feeling more frightened. I don’t know what could trigger a panic/anxiety attack sometimes with or without reasons. And everytime I feel that small heart of mine racing faster than a Ferrari. I can actually hear my own heartbeats and I have this fear of even putting my hand on my heart just that I can’t offend it and it stops beating. The heartbeats are accompanied by irrational thinking and I see a very good possibility of having a heart attack and that makes the situation worse.

Come to think of it, its a bloody vicious circle!

Now I am seeing a doctor who has put me on medication and observation. Looking at my progress, I may be advised to see a psychiatrist. My mind has just gone cukooooo!

A panic attack is a very dangerous state for the person who experiences it. My whole life flashes before me and I think of my family’s future. Actually thinking about my family future, I should be calming myself but that does not happen.

I googled panic attack and its advised that I need to talk about it. Speaking about the problem is the first step of curing it.

So here I am talking about it! I don’t know if it will help but I will try

Everyone says that its all in the mind and I know that. But I also know that I am not myself when I get those attacks.

Like Aamir Khan said in 3 idiots

Kabhi Kabhi is dil ko batana padta hai “All izz well”

And that is what I am going to do.

So my dear heart, “ALL IZZ WELL”. Nothing to be afraid of. I have an army of family and friends who will help you get better. Who will help you beat normally and together we will grow stronger.

As for you who are reading this, pray to God to give me strength. I know I am making a mountain of a mole hill but the way I stand now, it looks like a mountain.

So help me God! Amen!

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For now, Lets enjoy the tears…..

There was a long time ago when India got its independence and even though his strategy are criticized today, a nation stood behind a man who inspired them to fight the British.

There has rarely been an Indian who had enjoyed such a following since then. Now in 2011, a team is inspired to give whatever it takes to win a cricket world cup. But then its just not a game. Its much more than that.

Cricket is passion for the people of India and Sachin Tendulkar is god!

In a country obsessed with cricket and where everyone has an opinion how India should play, a world cup after a gap of 28 years is a historical moment.

From the start of the tournament, it was always for Sachin. The dedication and the love of the game he had shown over the last 21 years had to end on a memorable climax. Although its not a climax for him yet but this was the goal that had eluded him for years

A team inspired to take it to the final for a man who inspired them in every match. A man who was carried around the stadium on the shoulders of his team mates.

“Sachin Tendulkar has carried Indian cricket on his shoulders for 21 years. So it was fitting that we carried him on our shoulders after this win," Virat, who carried Tendulkar on his shoulder for an emotional lap of honour

But 2011 was not going to be a failure. Yes! We had doubts and the team struggled but as Dhoni said “We peaked at the right time!”

He cried. He finally made it. His team made it for him.

A few days from now, this will become just another news retold as many times as possible. We will be telling the next generation how a team got inspired from a god.

Tomorrow will be another day, and history has been written.

But for today, lets enjoy the tears. we have waited 28 years for them!

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Patriotic, a Cup and other things

When India started with the world cup, we were too good of a team on paper. Rightly saying that team India had changed a lot in the past few year becoming more aggressive and competitive. That does not hide the fact that everytime India plays, I have a feeling that it can be quite unpredictable.

But after more than a month of World cup mania, we are almost there. Almost

The India-Australia quarter final was the first step. India had not won convincingly before the quarter final and although Australia not being in form, it was still a good team. As we sat for a late lunch, all the TVs in the canteen showed the same channel and the commentators were busy telling how the pitch was and how it would change.

My colleagues and me were discussing our project issues. The canteen was unusually and rightly full as every eye was on the screen. As the team reached the ground, there was lots of cheers. We smiled as we continued with our lunch.

The national anthem of the teams started. After Australia’s anthem, Indian national anthem boomed through the TV speakers. Immediately there was silence and everybody rose to their feet. It was nice to see people respecting the National anthem although my colleague tells me that its wrong to stand for the National anthem in a closed room as per rule book.

There are many rules regarding the flag and the anthem. The government is so afraid of the flag and anthem being insulted that the flag has become the domain of the government only. I do agree that it can be insulted but then does it even gets the respect? There are many instances when the flag is hung upside down. Do Indians see the flag so less that they forget which colour is up.

In the past few months, the nation has been rocked by one scandal after another that its become difficult to keep count the scam and the money involved. The moral standard has gone down or maybe I have realized that lately. But its a fact that people are not that surprised about the scams. They are not that worried about a building which was supposed for the widows of the soldiers who gave their life for the country. They are not worried about the fact that every politician has earned for his next 14 generation together but we still have 41% of the population living below poverty line.

Maybe I am just frustrated here but people are talking about a game which is played officially by less than 20 countries in the world. The social sites are filled with India chants and “Go India Go” slogans. The cup has become war and nothing else matters now.

I can’t blame them either. The handful few who were supposed to better our life have completely forgotten their responsibilities. The democratic process itself becomes a choice between bad and worse. I never had a role model and now nobody even attempts to be one.

There is always a silver lining. Maybe all is not lost. Sachin Tendulkar still pays for India and his dedication shows. He falls and then he tries again but somehow keeps on surviving. I guess why Sachin is so respected because he represent every Indian who struggles to go ahead. 

Rarely a person has brought a nation so close. Maybe its for a short time. 48 hours from now, the winner of the cup will be decided. For these 48 hours, people will discuss the country. For these 48 hours, maybe we will feel what its like to be Indian again.

If we win, maybe the feeling will stay for a week or maybe a month and then 8 days later, the IPL circus starts. The city will be more important than the country then.

When I was small we watched those army based movies and then we children would go patriotic imagining ourself as soldiers. I guess we knew what it was like to be Indian then.

Now there is less to cheer about being an Indian.

I wish we could win just like every Indian wishes on the planet today. Maybe for a day, maybe for a month when news channel will convince us how great it was to win the world cup and how now that we have won the cup, we will be a super power.

Then I am stupid. I don’t have the courage to go and change the world because I have too much on my mind and hand.

I wait when the hero will rise and I will cheer and feel his victory is mine. I will bask in his glory and his fame. I will feel proud of him and myself again.

And then I will be proud to be an Indian again!

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Panic Sunday!

What could trigger a panic on a slow Sunday morning?

This Sunday as I woke up at around 9:30 AM, I had a plan to spend my days planning all the work related for the wedding. With less than three months left, my lazy ass was not working as expected.

My phone rang around 10:00 AM. It was my brother. He just said

“Dada, maaja accident jhalay. Tu XXXX hospital la yeh” (I have had an accident. Come to xxxx hospital)

My heart sank. I had not even washed my face and was just lazing around and now I could not think much. I called up Mathew but he was having a bath. I called up Chetan. Luckily he was ready with his car for some other work.

Consoling my crying mother, I rushed to the hospital. He had not yet arrived at the hospital. The fact that he had called himself meant that he was ok enough to be in his senses and make a call.

He had an accident near the highway and it was not his fault. The axle of an incoming rickshaw broke in the neighbouring lane. The rickshaw flipped, jumped the road divider and crashed right into my brother’s bike going in the opposite direction. He managed to avoid an head-on collision but his leg crashed into the rickshaw.

As the police helped us make his case papers in the government hospital, my brother cried in pain. After almost one and half hours, I was able to complete all formalities and shift him to a private hospital.

The first aid was applied almost 2 hours after the accident. Giving him some pain-killers, it was a long wait of X-Rays and reports. The doctor came even later to confirm multiple fracture and needed urgent surgery.

He was finally operated on at 4:00 PM. The operation went for about 4 hours with some anxious moments for us. It would take months for him to recover. We don’t know. Its been a week and he might get discharged soon. He is much better now and we thank our stars for limiting the accident to the leg.

Life is full of surprises and this was one of them. My brother now vows to pay all his insurance and also have a medical insurance now which he did not have till now. Maybe all not bad as it looks.

The incident also make me notice the aspect of accident victims and law. The hospital waited until the legal proceeding were over waiting it to get over. It was not until we pointed out to my bleeding brother that they applied some cotton to it not to stop blood but to stop the blood falling on the hospital floor.

The police meanwhile tried to help as much as possible clearing all the formalities as early as possible giving advice as to how speed the process. Its very important to first provide first-aid and all possible help to the victim but the law is designed in such a way that the person helping does not want to be stuck in the nitty-gritties of the law.

Time we gave importance to the life than to the paperwork.

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Its a “YES”

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Downs and Up

The sun shines bright again. The birds chirp again, the flowers bloom again and a laugh triggers a million smiles.Yesterday what seem like a big problem isn’t a problem anymore. Things actually fell into place and that too without my intervention.

Somebody up there still likes me!

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