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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Hindi movies has educated me in the wrong way. I have been fed with lies from the world of make-believe

Consider an example where the doctor comes to the heroine house and checks her pulse and informs the whole family “Mubarak ho! Yeh maa banne wali hai” (Congrats! She is pregnant). Or when the girl/heroine vomits, it is an indication that she is pregnant or girls get pregnant with their lovers/husband in one night in the rain.  Remember “Roop tera mastana”. The reaction depends on whether she is married or not!

It does not happen that way! Its so misleading so wrong. Conceiving is a very complex process. So complex that we had to wait almost a year to actually hear the good news.

Yes! That’s right! Amu is pregnant and we have crossed the half way already. The arrival is scheduled to be in August.

And as I said its no way easy getting pregnant! A lot many visits to the doctor to understand the conceiving process, numerous test and a lot of frustration. There is actually a very small window of less that two days when a woman can actually conceive so you both really need to time that ….err….you know…I mean…..I know you know

And then that sperm, that hard working, lucky sperm has to reach the egg and then there is a chance that even if the sperm reaches the egg they will not be compatible to make a life.

And the doctor is never sure and not once did they check her pulse, not once. I was so disappointed.

Nowadays you have pregnancy kit to make sure if the results are positive and the few minutes to actually see the colour change are no less exciting as the last scene of a murder mystery movie when the murderer is to be revealed.

Yes! Its that difficult and its no child play!

After trying for many months, we actually visited a doctor, a specialist one. The next two months were even more frustrating as he made us rush and run completing one test after another. It was tiring and stressful that we wondered how are we going to be in mood to make her body relax. Then he would get angry and expected us to follow everything he said without asking many questions. After all had big degrees and many trophies on the wall.

We finally decided that we did not need such an expert and can actually work with someone with not many trophies on the wall. The second and our current doctor turned out to be so cool that we sometimes like to visit her just for nothing. She said that we should try and not worry about it which was our original goal when we decided that we need to become parents.

It took 2 pregnancy kit and two blood test to confirm that we finally were successful getting the sperm and egg to fall in love but finally they did.

But it was not before some extraordinary knowledge addition. We searched and researched every test we did. We went through our reports and explored the Internet to know what it actually meant. We found some weird ideas to get pregnant. We were advised by many weirder ideas to get pregnant. The food to eat to get pregnant and the food not to eat to get pregnant.

Giving pregnancy advice is like hitting a lucky six in the local play ground when the bat accidentally had hit the ball and then using that six all your life to actually comment on Sachin Tendulkar batting and forming opinion how he should have played or not played. Its that easy!

So after about 5 months we started seriously trying to have a baby, we achieved success. All doubts about us were cleared. I mean seriously! People doubt a lot!

People do have a lot of interest in others life. During my struggle to get married, people said that marriage was the one step to happiness as if not getting married was solely my fault. After marriage, suddenly they were not happy. They wanted us to have children and every function gave them the opportunity to ask the question.

If only they can understand that conceiving is not as easy as adding milk to tea. It requires timing, precession, hard work, stress and a lot of luck

But then now done and waiting, it was not before its own share of drama….. With its own suspense moments. Something about that….maybe later!

 

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My would be brother-in-law is the 6th of his sibling. My would-be-wife is the 5th in 5 sisters. Three sisters are married and two are scheduled to be married. He has a total of 5 brother-in-laws, present and future included.

His phone list the numbers of all his brother-in-laws as “Name initials J(iju)”. Which means that if the name start with A, it is “AJ” or if it starts with D, its “DJ”. So in the phone he has “AJ”, “DJ”, “ MJ” and finally ending with my name………”PJ”

Need I say more??

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The Middle Stage

Observation at a function recently

During my teenage and early youth days, I was the designated Bhaiya.

Now as I cross 30, I am in the Uncle stage

I wonder where the Saiyan stage went in between?

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Friday night and I am having a conversation on facebook with a friend while watching a movie on the smaller window. What to do? I have this huge urge to do multiple task at the same time. I am a multiprocessing, multitasking person.

While taking about the life in general, the topic expectedly shifts to my marriage or lets say my “not getting married”. So she tried to analyze why is that I don’t get married? I try to explain that its not my fault.

Actually not always.

But she refuses to believe me. She finally arrives at a conclusion that I was at fault. I must be doing something gravely wrong that I cannot convince a girl to marry me.

Well! She was right in a way. I cannot get a girl to marry me. Its just too difficult convincing the girls to marry me. It has not happened once but twice when I almost convinced a girl to get married to me and now both the girls are happily married.

Most of the people just find it difficult to accept that girls reject me. Most of these people who think that way, are married. Just because you are married, does not mean its easier for me to get married. Did the person who climbed the Himalayas think that it was easier for everyone to do it?

Ok! A little over the top. Getting married cannot be equalled to climbing the Himalayas. But its not easy either.

As expected, most of these girls don’t go beyond my photo. I have become like that horse who would come second even if it ran alone. That was  a copied pathetic pj. .

Anyways, as I said that its not my fault or maybe its not my fault always. I do deserve a benefit of doubt.

I have told my mother to give my photo to anybody with a proposal. I don’t want them wasting time trying to guess the most eligible bachelor when they send the proposal.

Actually its logical and practical. In an arranged marriage, where you can have a choice, wouldn’t you go for better one? There was a time when my mother blamed me for girl rejecting me. Now I don’t argue.

I am a perfect marriagable material. I have a job which pays good. I have a house of my own. So I am what they call as “well settled”.

Ofcourse that doesn’t hide the fact that I am ugly too. I know most people would criticize my saying that but whats wrong? Why does being ugly is so bad? Ok! “Ugly” might be a harsh word so lets call “not looking good”. Why not accepting that you don’t look good is so bad? Nobody feels bad when beautiful people accept that they  are beautiful.

Nowadays even so-so looking girls reject me. I know that pathetic. But I can’t help.

I have met girls with her parents and put on my best behaviour. I have met girls without her parents and still put on my best behaviour. I have talked gently and made a good conversation. I have been polite. I have been courteous and I have been funny. I have made them laugh.  I don’t remember looking at the girl lecherously like a Hindi movie villain. Like a good gentleman, I had even paid for the restaurants bill.

So where do I go wrong?

I don’t ask the reason when a girl rejects me. She will not tell me the real reason. So I don’t ask.

Most of the married people feel pity for me. But I don’t. Yes! It gets a little lonely sometimes. But I find myself to be mostly smiling, happy person. Life isn’t great but its not bad either.

I guess I have to think on the eventuality of being alone in my life and that’s depressing but I guess nothing would feel that bad when you make yourself ready for that eventuality.

I still have a lot to do. I want to see many places and take many pictures. I have to do lot of things I haven’t even thought of.

I am still searching for that girl who would say yes. Believe me, I genuinely try! I really do! Maybe I wouldn’t die alone. I have hope.

Till that time, give me a benefit of doubt! As I said, Its may not be my fault.

………… not always!

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Why?

“So Why?”

“Why? What?” I ask

“Why are you not getting married”

“What to do? Bad timing” I reply back

“Timing?”

“Yes! Everything was good till I turned uglier at the wrong time”

………………..and thats the reason why

 

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You are single when

  • At every family function you are asked “Tu kadhi?” (when is your turn?)
  • At the same family function people will have the sympathetic look while telling you “Don’t worry! After all looks aren’t everything”
  • You hate family function.
  • Your mother is worried
  • Your friends tell you, your mother is worried
  • Your relatives tell you, your mother is worried
  • You feel guilty, your mother is worried
  • People always reassure you that one day everything will turn all right
  • You are scratching your head wondering what’s wrong with NOW?
  • You always hear about people telling about the girls who don’t go for looks but try what you may, you have never met them.
  • You think you looked much better when you were younger but then you realize that you could barely walk when you looked that good.
  • You are always ready for any outing
  • Your married friends look at your care-free life and lecture you about responsibilities
  • Your married friends look at your care-free life and are very very jealous about you
  • Your married friends advice you on why you need to think seriously about life which translates into how to panic
  • Your married friends tell you about your son who might not be able to do his Masters in US because you married late and had retired before he got out of school.
  • You get bored about analytical discussion about the area’s Schools and academic standard between two friends with children
  • You hate when nobody discusses interesting topics anymore
  • You are the official photographer at every 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th birthday party of your friend’s child.
  • You have nowhere to go out on a Sunday evening and you don’t care either.
  • You don’t care when you miss someone’s birthday
  • You don’t worry about the new sale in town too
  • You always think Boyfriends/husbands of pretty young girls are always Male chauvinist pigs
  • Your 34/36 inch waist is not considered as handsome and it matters to many girls.
  • You envy the boy on the local train who comes with a girl
  • Your childhood friend suddenly drops to see you after more than 3 years of marriage. My guess, the honeymoon period is over and he needs his friends again.
  • You do not have to plan your movies in theatre.
  • You can decide to watch a movie in a theatre just 30 minutes before the movie.
  • ……………… And you still manage to be 5 minutes before the movie
  • People actually think girls rejecting you is your fault. Ummmmm, Is it really?
  • You can ogle at many girls in Bharatmatrimony.com/Shaadi.com/Jeevansathi.com and that too officially
  • People suggest you to join marriage bureaus and provide you addresses to different bureaus claiming to be the best
  • You are on the verge of owning Lifetime Membership card from atleast a couple of Marriage bureaus.
  • You realize that the girls have done the same thing and you find the same girl in atleast 4 different bureaus.
  • You always wonder how a girl looks so beautiful in saree
  • You realize that the girl looks different when she is dressed normally.
  • You stay awake late night in front of the computer preparing this kind of stupid list

If you can think of any more, do comment

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Free

I will stop waiting for him for dinner and I will not call him when its past the time he said he would come. I would not be calling him after 10:00 PM everyday and ask why he is not home? I will not be waiting nervously when his phone is switched off. I would not be frustrated when his 15 minutes turn to more than a hour.

Yesterday my brother got married and from now on the roles are passed on to her.

I am free!

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