700 – That’s the number of post I will be reaching soon. It took me more than 4 and half year of existence to reach here. Its been a journey, a journey to my past, present and future. Many people have never met me but had been a part of the journey. On the occasion of 700th post, I continue with the tradition of Full2 Faltu, when I invite guest writers to write. The guest posts are for 15 writers and it will continue till 699.
These writers have chosen to write to be a part of charity. I hope you like what they write. They would love your comments.
Presenting the next in the series. The earlier being
Chandni has her own blog and she writes about a lot of things. She is first time writing as a guest on Full2 Faltu. Here she talks about getting married to person of your choice but not of parent’s choice. Looking at a lot of love marriages, I do agree!
Also she is the last of the guest writer as I could not get the required 15 writers. So will stop at 11. Thank You all
One of the biggest reasons for opposition of a love marriage in India is the difference between the caste/religion and consequently traditions of a family. Parents get up in arms ( the conservative kinds at least) , with their biggest fear being that a person from a different faith or region will have no idea about how things are done in their culture, resulting in the death (!!!) of the same. Of course they would have done all calculations, and the idea that their grand child will not grow up in a “pure” unadulterated mahaan culture would give them sleepless nights…not to mention that “my” culture is superior to “yours”. That’s a given.
Given the marriage set up in India, as with other things, it ends up being about every person other than the couple in question. If they have fallen in love despite their differences, they must have found some common ground for themselves, right? Not to say that differences in upbringing, culture cannot spoil a relationship….the point being that it is between those two people. Depending on how conservative, open they are to change, they would, as consenting thinking adult individuals, make their decision. They might choose to be rigid, part ways, give in for the sake of the other or come to some sort of a compromise. To my mind, that is a process that each relationship will go through, before it reaches the plateau of happy harmony, when one finally gets comfortable enough in the relationship, without every difference becoming an issue.
Why I am building up all this background, is because I think it is a myth that a girl from a similar background will find it easier to “adjust” to the ways of a family. Given that women (traditionally) are the ones who would move in with a new family, there is a humungous amount of adjustment required; no matter how “similar” the background of the new family is, because even if it sounds harsh, the truth is that every other family is just that. Different. No other household can replicate your home, where you have grown up. And when one is dealing with living with a completely new set of people, lets face it, the fact that Diwali is big for all of us, or that we don’t care much about Durga Puja or Eid….is hardly any consolation.
Remember the first time you moved in to a hostel? How annoying it was….when your roommate insisted on shutting off the lights at 10 pm because s/he couldn’t sleep with the lights on, and you were the kinds who wouldn’t think of hitting the sack before 2 am…or how your habit of leaving paper around annoyed them? Everyone who comes from different homes (irrespective of backgrounds) has a different way of doing things. But we take it in our stride….slowly, we learn to tolerate each others’ differences and find common ground for amicable coexistence….right? We learn, we grow…and more often than not, come to love those room mates as our own…
Similarly, if when ends up living with new people…they will need to find a way to reach that common ground where they would learn to live with those differences. Love , arrangement, similar or different backgrounds…that has nothing to do with it. Think about it. It is more to do with how open and compromising all involved parties are…I could be stubborn even in a similar background and find a grudge to nurse in an arranged marriage and on the other hand could be extremely accommodating in a love marriage or vice versa.
I am thinking over this because a friend is now struggling to get his parents to agree to his choice of a girl. She’s pretty ( just the kind they wanted), she’s intelligent, has a career ( again in accordance with their wishes), and has a similar middle class background. So what’s the big problem you ask? Well, she’s from a different region (not caste or religion mind you) and so the parents are apparently worried that she won’t be able to “understand” their culture…
Really? Is it that big a deal if at first she wouldn’t know the culture ( whatever that means)? Can’t she learn? Can’t she get some room to be different? To cherish another festival because she grew up in a different region? Can’t you try and understand hers and cut her some slack? I know a million people who’ve had an arranged marriage, and still struggle to get the “new” customs right….no two families are the same. Similarity, in such cases, is but a myth.
And it is high time that people come clean on why they disapprove of their child’s relationship. More often than not, it is more to do with the desire of choosing for your children (ego massage you see) and “what will people say”, rather than a different background being a problem.
If one is looking for issues, of course there can be a 1000 and more…everything can become an issue, but being open to doing things another way never hurt anyone. You’ll learn something at best…and worst, you’d be reminded of your hostel days!