I sit on the edge of the pool. The small number on the wall at my right said it was 3 meters deep. Double my height. Perfect!
I look around. Not many people around. If I didn’t splash around and act calm, this will be easy, very easy. I slowly slide in. My body buoys up, a natural reaction of the water to throw me out. I don’t move my hands.
My body slowly moves down. Its tempting to move my hand but its decided, it about time. As I go down, a little girl at the other end of the pool looks at me. She smiles as she sees me going down. I smile back. I doubt if she had seen me smile as I am almost under water.
As I go down, I let go of everything, the pain, the rejection, the sadness, the failures. Its about time, time to be free. I take in water.
I can’t breathe. I need air. I fight, inside me. To stay. To do one thing correctly. I need to feel the moment. I open my eyes. The water is blue, crystal blue. Why is the swimming pool always blue? What’s with blue?
I can’t breathe. It’s the suffocation. Its nothing new. The same suffocation I feel when I think, the feelings suffocate me. They kill me!
I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I need to breathe. It hurts, the slow death, it really hurts. I can’t breathe. I need to breathe. I need to hold on. I drift into a deep sleep
“Breathe! Breathe! God damn it! BREATHE” The voice shouted
Funny! That were the last words before I slept
I could feel the pressure on my chest.
“God damn you are hurting me”
“Breathe! Breathe! Shit man! Come on! Breathe!” The voice again, a woman’s voice. She screams
I realize that I wasn’t breathing. I need to breathe! I need to breathe! For her.
I try and just like that, I throw water out clearing my lungs;
I open my eyes. Unknown faces look at me as I lay on the floor. The little girl looks at me quite curiously. Somebody needs to take her away. She cannot see death so close. Its unpleasant. Some have relief on their face and some have anger, disgust.
I lay on the floor and manage a weak smile
I had failed…..Again!
Note: Based on a dream.