Another birthday today. I don’t know how she looks now. I do wonder how she must be now. How she will be now? Does she remember me? But then she is past. Its been five year now. Five years ago she left or as i say we parted forever. She got married to somebody else and then a year later she had a daughter too. That was the last news that reached me or maybe she made sure reached me.
Five years! The pain is less now. Much much less. A lot has happened after that. I became busy, moved on and took more responsibilities. It was easier to handle the pain when I was in Mumbai surrounded by friends. They did not talk about her but then they did not let me remember her too. Then I came to Amsterdam, things became difficult again. The pain returned but then I have my surviving techniques and I survived.
Its been 5 years since she left and its been eight years since I first met her. We worked in the same office for a year and half. Most of the time we were the only ones in the staff of 4 people. We had a professional relationship which turned to friendship in the long run. We fought, smiled, laughed and she cried a lot. She was already in a bad relationship before and by the time I asked her she was in a mess. It was kind of amazing. The time we were together we never felt close. The day I was to say bye to my old office to join my present company, she cried. I never expected this from her.
We remained in touch. The only person from my old job to remain in touch. Her previous relationship got worse but then she always use to call me or meet me when she went into depression. I tried to be as loyal friend as I could one day realizing that I was actually falling for her. 2 years since i met her, 2 years of without any emotions, 2 years of fighting, laughing and caring for each other, I fell in love with her. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but love I did. I guess love does not have to have a reason. You just fall in love.
She was in Pune and I was in Mumbai when I proposed and that too on phone. She did not expect this from me. She always thought me as a good friend but can’t a good friend be a better life partner? The day I proposed, everything changed between us. It took me days to convince her. At one time I gave up but finally she said yes. I was at the top of the world when she said yes. That day was the happiest day of my life. Still is.
I was determined not to turn this relationship into something like her last relationship. I wanted to give her all the happiness she deserved. I wanted to keep her smiling and laughing for the rest of her life. I wanted to make her dream once again and wanted to make her every dream come true. We use to talk and talk about our dreams. We did take steps to fulfill some of them. We use to plan our life right fom marriage to children. I wanted it to be so perfect.
It didn’t happen. My parents who knew about her earlier relationship were not ready to accept her. I tried to convince them. The situation turned tense in the house. I was determined. They wanted me to marry someone else but they could not guarantee that the girl they choose would never had a relationship. What her past was her past.
She saw my parents suffer and then she decided to leave, for ever. She knew my parents too well to see them suffer. My whole world came crashing down. My dreams, my expectation, everything ended in one phone call.
I went into a shell and then everything was closed until this blog came along. This blog has helped me a lot bring out whats inside me.
The time we spent together was the best time of my life. First time in my life I was happy, genuinely happy. Giving up that happiness feeling was something I was not ready to bargain for.
I have come to accept her absence from my life. I have come to accept that someday, I have to look beyond her. I have come to accept that she has moved on and I will have to do so one day. When I remember her, its always a mixture of happiness and sadness. It’s a feeling I can’t explain. Its like a great loss, a loss of time and memories. I choose not to face those memories.
I don’t spend my life crying as it looks from here. I do feel her absence, her loss but then I have reached the stage of acceptance and I look back and remember the time like everyone like to remember their childhood, mostly with nostalgia. Something which was very beautiful but good things come to an end and it did.
I was probably immature at that time and I think I certainly was. Given a chance maybe I would have handled the relationship with her and my parents in a lot different way. But then experience always tends to teach you something.
My relationship with her had made me a cautious; I guess a lot more than necessary. I have backed out from people in the fear of getting hurt. I myself know that it has made me more vulnerable but then you learn and I have learned.
One thing that the relationship taught me was to stand up again after a fall. That has helped me overcome many problems in my life, alone.
One day, I will learn to love again and overcome this fear of getting hurt. Someday I will!