Life has taken a lot of turns all these years, some of them were too difficult to handle and some were so easier that they never looked liked turns. But each turn has taught new lessons. Nowadays life does not seem to be going anywhere. It’s cruising on a straight road with no turns. Not that it is a big problem because as they say, no news is always good news.
It is close to complete two years in Amsterdam now. I don’t know when I will go back but it sure has been a long inning here. When I talk to my mother, she seems very surprised that I have stayed away from home for so long. I, who never stayed away from home for more than 15 days, have been staying in Amsterdam for about two years now. It has been a good stay. I have learned new things, met new friends and made new relations.
The job is ok not great but kind of Ok. It is a lot different with little action and more advising. My role in India kept me on my toes and was a stressful job but at the end of the day gave a sense of fulfillment. Here, it is not as stressful but with responsibilities but that makes me impatient.
I have lost a sense of what I am doing and the purpose of doing this. There was a time when I did not look beyond work but never felt the need to look beyond work. Nowadays, I question the very existence of work. Work is not the center of my life which is not helping me professionally but the problem is it does not worry me either. It may be the profile of my job and the little or no challenges it offers. This year’s appraisal was a no-stress affair. I went there, told my manager that he did not waste time with me because he already knew where I stand and what work I did. I came back in 5 minutes flat. It was like I did not care what he said. The reason may be because the job pays me good. Its not even that I have slacked in my work but the challenge is certainly not there. Everything appears as “been there done that” kind.
Its been 8 years since I started my professional life. Never in my career there was a motivational slump like I feel now. I have motivated myself to push myself to the limits all these years but now there seems to be nothing to push further. It makes me question the very need to do what I am doing now. But I guess, even if I am not happy, the monetary compensation is the only driving force now which I think should not be. This is itself scary. I am scared of the future and that makes me insecure. I don’t like being insecure.
I sometimes think of selecting an alternative career but know its not possible. Back in my school days, I was academically inclined and did not look beyond engineering. Coming from a middle-class family, a job was always looked as a safe career. Freelancing or business was never looked with much respect anyways in our home. It was more of an extra curricular activity. When I think of it, the external opinions rather than my interest drove me to choose a profession. Given a choice, I could be a photographer, most probably a wildlife photographer. But these are whims and it will pass.
The exciting thing as for now is my blogging. I am not a writer and when I started blogging three years back, it was more to pen down my conversations I had with myself. Now nearing 250 posts, a lot of ideas bounce in my head. I look at every event as a story to blog about. But not all these ideas make it here. A event which looked exciting when it happened turns out worst in my writing. Maybe because I do not write when the events happens but mostly write after a considerable amount of time trying to remember my emotions and thoughts at that time. But like I said, I am not a writer. A lot of thoughts have been written and lots of thoughts need to be written. Somewhere, someday this might end too but till then I will write. Posting something here gives me a sense of achievement and satisfaction and that is my driving force to continue writing.
At the financial front, I have a healthy bank balance but nothing to be proud of. The less said the better about my finances. What I need now is a good financial manager who is ready to work free.
Personally, there isn’t much happening. Every time I call mom she wants to talk about my marriage. I avoid the topic completely. I think its fear of commitment or just scared of relationships. I have started living my life with little expectation and am pretty scarred that I may not be able to meet somebody else’s expectations. Its better to stay alone and sulk then to drag someone else into the picture. But I don’t sulk usually and am a pretty happy self or so I think. As the time goes by, everyone is noticing that I have been alone for a long time now. First there was mom who still relentlessly continue to probe about my future and now my friends are not far behind. I recently had two friends offering me to get settled. Two days before, I had to switch the topic with a friend who offered me to give the name and number of the girl he thought was perfect for me. One of these days, I might just give in.
Again, even though I have come a lot in terms with my relationship with her, she still influences my future. I guess it is the fear of getting hurt again or the fear of not standing up to the expectation of the other person. Whatever the reason, I seem to be just running away from the decision. A few day back, when I was chatting with a friend, we were discussing the logic for the wall I build around myself. She said she could not understand the logic and her mind hangs. I replied that when the mind hangs, it is best to do what we system administrator do on a Windows machine, they reboot. She was quick to point out that I need to reboot. Get over with the past and look at the future. I understand that and maybe some of these day, I will just have to reboot my life.
I struggle with my feelings now about my past, present and future. I have my mind going blank and then it just becomes a bout of depression unless and until i pull myself out of it. Most of the time, I succeed. Sometimes I don’t but then I do try.
Not everyday do I feel the need to look back. Not everyday I feel the need to analyse my life. Is this what everybody calls a mid-life crisis?
It definitely must be mid-life crisis because today I say bye to my 20s and turn 30! A happy day indeed!