Yesterday night when I retired for the day, I was talking to a friend on chat. After the customary “How are you?” and “How was your day?”, I went blank. I mean I did not know what to speak next. I asked my friend if we had finished all our topics to talk and she said no, there was so much to talk.
So much to talk? And my mind just went blank. I just sat there waiting, looking at the screen and asking what’s wrong with me. Yesterday morning, I met a colleague and friend in the train. We work in the same project and after pulling his leg for sometime, I went blank. When we got a place to sit, I just sat there looking outside trying to make an intelligent conversation but again the words fail me. Its frustrating! It feels like an erection problem during sex. I am sorry but could not describe it with a better example.
Its not the first time its happening recently. I prefer to stay quite and speak only when asked something or spoken too. I guess I am in the listening mode for a long time now. It may also be because of the fact that there is nothing happening in my life now. I go to office; I come back, take Sheru out, eat and then check my blog for new comments and then nothing. It’s been a long time; I had a heart-to-heart talk with anybody. Sure, the family is there and there are enough activities in the house to keep me busy but everything has become so mechanical. I remember my days after her three years back when I use to get busy so that I would tire myself and would not think about her. But this time its not her. Sometimes I feel I am past all that unless and until I do not open something to remind me of her. But I know this time its not about her. I have accepted all my defeats and there have been many.
Its not that I have nothing to say. I have a lot to say. If I had nothing to say, I would not have so many posts coming every week. Is that the problem? I have been pouring my thought here on this blog, but hardly anything to any body else. The blog has now got an identity of its own. It has become a person. A person who listens to me and just me. It’s a medium between me and the people who communicate with me. Confusing? Its damn confusing to me too.
I have been talking to people on chat. Many friends still keep a tab on me through chat and emails but something is missing and I don’t know what?
I have been a silent child. I would hardly speak at school and had a very small circle of friends. I rarely got a punishment for ‘talking’ in class. It was not a problem being quite in class and for that matter even in the house. I was a quite person till I took my first job, a job of a teacher. It was surprising and scary for me to talk in front of my students. Gradually, I learnt to speak and putting my ideas across to people. I talked like I had never talked in my life. It sometime would become difficult to ‘shut’ me up.
But since the last few days, everything reminds me of my childhood. It was a scary time and not the best time of my life. But all those years and even now, I have always talked to myself. I have found my solution talking to myself. They have not been the best of choices but I have survived without putting an onus on anyone else, atleast that’s what I think.
Then there are friends who regularly keep in touch. Most of the time, they talk about their problem. Even as I write this, I have a friend who is feeling very low. But how do I help them when I myself do not feel good. I feel guilty of not helping them. I choose to ignore their mails for a little while but eventually do mail them. How to talk to friends to take a stand, when you yourself are not so sure where you stand? But I feel its my responsibility as a friend to help them. It may not be the best of advice for them but sometimes they just want to tell their problems to somebody and somebody has to listen. It helps them even if I listen to them.
Today morning I did not feel like running for the tram even though I was late for the office. In the train, it felt so suffocating that I wanted to come out and breathe and just breathe. A woman was talking loudly on the phone and I wished she could just shut up but she wouldn’t. By the time I got down at my stop, it was like I don’t want to go to the office at all. I did not want to go home either. I just wanted to be alone but then there are responsibilities, there always will be.
Its just one of those days, when words, life everything fails me. Its just one of those days!
