A few days back one of my friend was discussing a common friends problem with me. The problem is quite common and it has been the nth time I have heard the same problem. Two people fall in love and their parents oppose because they belong to different religion/caste/Language. Parents try to oppose and try various ways to stop them from meeting and in turn making the situation quite messy.
Two prominent questions that came during our discussion were
• Why do parents oppose their children’s prospective spouses on the basis of caste?
• Is it right for children to go against parents wishes and marry a person, especially when they (the parents) have done so much for their children?
I try to answer those queries. The views are of my own.
Why do parents oppose?
The society is made of undefined rules and regulation. We tend to group people together. Americans, Europeans, Asian, Africans, Indians, Marathi, Gujrathis, Malayalis, Brahmins, Kshatriya, Bhandari, caste, sub-caste, sub-sub-caste. We have our views, our thoughts about these people. It is always a group. You never think of a person as an individual. He/She has to belong to some group. We may not hate the person but we definitely hate the group, consciously or unconsciously.
If we look at any parents who have opposed their son/daughters marriage to a person of another caste, they have some view about the caste of the prospective spouse of their son/daughter. Deep in their heart, they may agree that the chosen person may be a good match for their son/daughter. But they can’t rise above their hate to accept the boy/girl, which means stepping on the happiness of their son/daughter. Once you hate a group, you hate all the people in the group.
If we look into ourselves, we hate some group of people. They may belong to a certain community, culture, religion or country or any other criteria. Where does this hate come from? From generations to generations. Who told us that these people are bad? You never knew them. How many people of that group you know? Not many! Because some elder said that in front of you, you assume that the whole group or community is bad. The same way, parents believe that all people belonging to the particular group are bad. They also has to go along with thier own caste people which support thier theory that all people from that groups caste are bad. He cannot go against his own people.
Now let me ask you a question. How do you justify any decision based on hatred? Are they right when a decision is taken on the basis of hate.
Is it right to hurt our parents when they have done so much for us?
No! You are right! Its not right to hurt our parents. Not because they have done so much for her, but because you love them and respect them.
But everything done for us by our parents, does it need to be repayed back? Did your parents do everything for you so that one day they could recover everything back with interest? Were you a bank balance or a blank check who would do everything for his parents just because they have given you so much? No! you are an individual.
Yes every relationship has expectations. Parents, wife, friends. It is not wrong from our parents side to expect something from their children. They are perfectly right. You love them. You take care of them. You look after their every needs, emotional and physical or monetary. It is your duty to take care of them and you should.
But at the same time, you have your life. Why does your every aspect of your happiness have to depend on your parents happiness? You get happiness by serving your parents and you are good at it. When you choose a partner yourself, you choose her according to the expectation you have in your life. You know or at least hope that she will make you happy. This can be right or wrong. It is possible that you are completely wrong and things don’t turn out to be well. But its your life. You have to spend your life with that person. And mind you, your parents will not be spending their life with him/her.
Choosing your life partner should be in the domain of an individual. Every individual has his needs, emotional, physical and even sexual. You choice of a life partner depend on those needs. And if you think that you need to go against your parents to fulfill these needs, it is a right thing to do. Do you think your parents will be able to help you, (even if they try) when things go wrong with a girl of their choice? I don’t think so.
Why do people have children? Not for you. Not because they have a moral responsibility to bring you on earth. They have children because they want to experience the happiness of parenthood. When they force you to marry someone of their choice, does it mean that they want you the price of giving birth to you?
A few would tell you that parents are more experienced and hence know what is right or wrong for you. But they are also human being and can make errors. I agree when parents can warn children of marrying someone who is not right for them. But opposing someone because he/she is of a different caste, I don’t see any logic.
Hi Punds,
Obviously the paste issue has been a recurring theme in your and your friend’s life.
I agree completely about your views on the issue.
My only point is that the couple in question must be prepared more some realities that comes with different backgrounds (my comment is based on regions/countries not caste – as I don’t believe in caste)
These realities are:
1. Language – they may not have a common second language, this makes it difficult to converse with some members of the family as they may exclusively speak that language only. This means that at family functions – the spouse/partner who does not speak tha language acan feel isolated even if its not intentional.
2. Religion – this may not be important in the begginning but often crops up when you are raising children. Differences in this can often lead to irresolvable issues later
3. Background – I am not talking just socio-economic but difference in background can have a huge impact later in life. Whether we like it or not a marriage is a marriage between two families and even though the individuals concerned do not perceive any difference, expectations from other family member can have a big impact. For example: I know of many girls who have married into families who are more conservative than their own and often come up against, often unspoke, different expecation for doing housework or role of the girl in the family. Though the husband may be supportive of the girls career – it is something she may have to justify constantly or deal with by not feeling as if her career is valued by her in-laws.
All these issues can be resolved but the couple in question have to think through this and understand how they will deal with these and more things that married life can throw at you.
I think parent’s responsibility is to make sure that their children have thought through these things and are satisfied with the other person’s thinking on these issues.
The hardest thing, I think, for a parent is to see your child encountering problems in their life and many such objections are just based on not wanting their children to have additional issues.
Just few months back i was having this discussion with a few friends. We were discussing homosexuality. I said that while I have no prejudices I might have some difficulty if my children were homosexuals. My point was that the additional challenges/problems my children may face because of their sexual orientation is what would be the most difficult aspect for me.
While our issues may be over sexual orientation, our parent’s saw similiar discrimination due to caste, religion, colour and may not want their children to experience additonal problems.
Of course, if all of these issues are resolved in couple’s mind and their love is strong then I think caving in simply because some elders do not agree is wrong.
Glad to see you writting again.
My 2 cents on this subject:
Parents/grand parents live in extreamly closed soceity, which supports them in several ways. This support system is based on the family relations, caste/religion, language and state etc. To them, marriage is not just union of two people and it’s union of two support systems. Hence marriage is decided based on the rules of caste,language etc. In most of the cases, parents just follow that judgement of their support system.
Most of the times, when the offspring wants to break those rules, it’s actually breaking the support system. Having gotten the taste of economic libralization, kids dont care about it, but parents do. which is why they end up opposing revolutionary idea of getting married to person who is beyond their soceity.
As purvi said, if the couple is strong, they can come out with flying colors else, they chicken out.
In either case, life goes on.
have fun
in either case, life goes on. but what kind of life. this love, that you give up on, had authenticity to it. remain authentic. fight for that. there should be no other option. in fact, to fight is a choice. its a matter of how long to fight. once there is no hope to make parents understand, you simply be on your way and marry your beloved. then who is there to fight with? you will be at peace. because after marriage, parents can only accept. if they choose to not follow, so be it. but you follow. follow your heart. where God is. all your life you will fight with yourself if you dont follow your heart.
There are many verses in Thirukural, a tamil collection of a few thousand couplets that go on and on about : How you can say the truth, say it respectfully, and how you can say it sweetly, politely yet firmly, in a way that you don’t make enemies but convert others hate to understanding. So it is. It is an art that everyone must strive for. especially needed in Business, Political or any Ethical confrontation where you must hold ground without making someone hostile.
So if you must marry someone, you can sure keep all relations and do it. Only you must be convinced that is right. also it helps if one earns a reputation for being such a person.
I am caucasian, from the US and I am still trying to grasp this. A friend of mine(age 29, extremely nice,very educated,very moral, wonderful family) and an Indian boy(age 30)want very much to get married. They have loved each other for three yrs.and the boy has talked and pleaded with his family to at least meet my friend, but they refuse. My friend has agreed to raise their children Hindu, learn Hindi, celebrate Indian festivals/holidays and take care of his parents as they grow older, but the Indian parents hate my friend without even knowing her, without ever meeting her. Now, the parents are telling the boy to give up the love of his life immediately and marry an Indian girl they have choosen for him. He says he cannot marry someone he does not love (arranged marriage), and that he cannot not marry someone while he is in love with my friend.The parents are screaming at him to end his relationship with my friend and have threatened him. How can “some” Indian parents be so selfish?
how can indian parents be so selfish? were they taught to love? and they teach you how not to love too. they teach by force. in fact, its not force. they simply speak of breaking ties and you fall easy. they cannot break ties. its impossible. its a game. a game for them to feel powerful. their whole life with you was one of power. think with awareness. their greastest joys have been their power over you. love cares nothing for power. love wants to share. so its a question of love. indian parents do not love. except a blessed few.
Well, my friend’s boyfriend has now given up the love of his life, given up his happiness just to make his parents happy, and he is now very sad. He still refuses to marry, but his parents continue screaming at him and making threats. I understand that this situation is not an isolated incident, but more common then everyone is aware of. Why are some Indian parents so selfish, uncaring and self-serving? Just because they had an arranged marriage does not mean their children must marry the same way. Why do they have to guilt their children into doing what “they” want them to? This incident has truly made me much more aware of the harsh realities of the Indian culture, and how rigid, narrow minded and overbearing it can be.
here is the truth. indian parents think they love. they dont. they dont know how to love. and they share that same misery to their children. so their children can grow up and follow the same pattern. to live on the surface, the outside circle. not knowing whats inside the circle is where life is. where love is. depth. this is where God is. Indian parents may speak of God. but they are not with God. they are in fact, against God. so they create their own idea of God. yes its the work of their e.g.o. – ‘e’dging ‘g’od ‘o’ut and if you obey such nonsense, you are edging God out too. edge out love, you edge out God. its not a matter of arguing with them over and over. u tried. it doesnt work. now why stay in the house? the house is hell. not heaven. God is not there. he’s been casted out. so find God. where is he. God is with the beloved. find your beloved. your life depends on it.
CJ
I seem tyo have missed your earlier message. But its indeed a sad thing on the part of Indian parents. Yes, Again, its not an isolated case as you said. There are many such instances.
However If you understand, the Indian parents could be feeling alienated by your friend because she belongs to a different country, culture.
What your friend’s boyfriend need to do is remain calm and firm. If he really loves the girl and they wish to marry, they have to be have patience. The boy has to calmly talk to his parents and make them see reason. If he is going to give up now, then it would be bad for him, and your friend emotionally. Its very difficult to commit to another relation after this. Hope they both have the courage to stand against thier parents.
Punds
My wife writes a blog about intercultural relationships… you should check out this post – which talks about the different people who are affected by relationships… there’s also a cpl of posts with advice on meeting the parents for the first time, etc:
http://gorigirl.com/who-is-affected-by-your-intercultural-relationship
Hi, I Am a Brahmin gal in love with a non brahmin guy but we both hail from Chennai and speak Tamil.Both of our parents are not agreeing for this just b’coz we belong to a different caste.We both worship same Hindu God,have common culture with vegetarian food habits,both are in gud position in our job too but parents just see the caste part.And they emotionally blackmail me and scream and shout at me daily non stop for hours together in abusive language.We tried to convince them,but nothing is working out.We thought time would heal everything but things are becoming worst day by day.They will be more bothered about society and relatives but not about my future and how I can marry another guy and lead a happy life for next 40 years just for their sake.Net result is that we lost our happiness totally and daily getting scoldings and mental torture coz of them.India will never change and Indian parents are pathetic (Exceptions are always there).
hi..i hav same problem 2..wanna contact u…
same story here. i’m a pakistani brought up in england and love an english guy. my parents have tried all techniques to make me feel shit, ie screaming, crying, insulting etc and have successfully manipulated me and my thinking. i end up feeling like i want to die. i lose the energy to fight.
ive tried to analayse why parents are they way they are. they dont know the guy, and base their decisions on how THEY would feel if they married a white person: they would not feel at home, wouldnt like speaking in english all the time etc. they dont care that such considerations dont apply to me.
marriage for desis is all about lifestyle, status and a place in ‘society’. if i marry someone ‘great’ (yardstick being that of my parents of course) then THEY would suddenly be the envy of everyone as THEIR daughter is married to somebody great. they woulnd care how i feel on a daily basis for the rest of my life. no, they just care about ensuring that all my brothers and sisters, and me, get married to the ‘right’ people. you are supposed to get married so that people respect you. you dont marry for love. there’s no such thing as love. love is not a necessary ingredient for marriage as far as desis are concerned.
so should i make my life a daily suffering in order to make them happy? as it is, if i marry without my parents consent, my life would be misery. id lose all connections and ties to my biological past. my parents would ostracise me. yet, if i go for an arranged marriage then too id be miserable. im in a no-win situation. which one would minimise my sorrows?i feel suffocated, trapped.
you feel trapped because u are going against your own needs, your own soul. its a win-win situation if you marry who u want because you will most likely be happy in life with whom you want to be with and tho your parents will disown you, they will learn in old age how they were wrong. by casting you out, they will lose a part of themselves. with u choosing your love, you are choosing God. remember this. choosing love is choosing God. and he will be with you. when you dont follow your heart, remember, you forgot God. your love cannot flow. its injured, suffering. and make note, you have your family blood in you. if all your family members died off one day, you would still be carrying the seed, the blood, of your ancestors. and life begins with you. good. as long as you have children, you become the father to the continuation of you ancestry. dont care for connections with family if they cant love you. be with who loves you. and think. who does. your beloved. and who is with your beloved. God. choose God. go find your beloved. right now.
i am in the exact situation. i am a hindu and in love with a hindu girl. we are both medical internees, and hail from very respectable and educated families (her dad is a teacher and mine is a doctor). sounds like a perfect match, yes? no. her parents were dead against the idea of love, so much so that they didn’t even care about caste etc. they just hated the concept of their girl marrying someone of her own choice, and they didn’t rest until they had separated us. my parents aren’t any different. everyday i get major lectures on traditions and values. just no one seems to bloody care about the two of us. i spend my days brooding now because all our hopes are dashed and i hear she has stopped going to her training. i am helpless because financially i am dependent on my parents as i am still a training doctor. i am slowly beginning to hate my parents although i have always been the good child to them.
you separated yourself. you should have stayed involved. this is your life. your choice. you say you are financially dependent. good. then stay dependent. then graduate. work. but stay with your girl. then marry her. only you two need to care, why involve the parents and the whole world? they can follow if they wish once you are working and the two of you are married and together.
the arguments put forth are all but sick. my parents tell me they have given me the best all my life, so trust them to choose the best girl. does this mean i am just a puppet my parents can stage a grand show with every time?
this sort of ‘but we always do what is right for you beta’ talk by indian parents is very disturbing. you cannot argue with them because doing so would mean you don’t care about the sacrifices they have made so far. and that’s what they want… to shut your mouth with emotional blackmail. so you are put on the backfoot.
There are differnt views , forexample parents has to thought depand upon their childs age because upto certain age(16-20) there may b illutions. But once they became metured they to took in consideration of their children aspect and discus with them wat are their fears and some realities they might b facing after marriage as in our society marriage belongs to two familes not individuals.
Parents must give importance to their children view rather than concern for society and relatives, how much they(lovers) understand each other in various ascepts. Expalin them that once they settle in life that is getting job it would be nice.Its realy disguissing even to think on marring other person when our heart is with some one. Even children accept for marrriage with some does he/she happy with their married life. No they are not. After marriage if he/she finds that in past his wife/husband love some one would they wil adjust no they can not and problem starts does this make the parents happy even with same cast,religion and Socialstatus it is not, So parents and children has to understand each other views “as every one wants is happy living”
hi frnds same situation i love a guy his caste was different
same my parents black mail me by saying they r like that as he belong to that perticular caste and ask me that wat abt our love towards u. wat happen to tht is there any lesss in our love towArs u, i felt really bad and i decided to broke up our relation ship and told him. he said it is always my choice to choose between hima and parents. i stop talking to him and i suffered like hell alwayzs his thoughts surrounding me so i cal him and say my struggle to stop talking he understood even more than my self 4rm there i feel gud]my worries are over. wat i fel is my parents cant understand my feelings whom i am with 4rm childhood where as my love understand me 4rm the begging. he always ask me to follow my heart , My heart reaches him automatically wat do i do? as a indian girl i can not come out of my home which makes my parents had difficulty
4rm society ? what do i do? I dont under stand
you are compromising your happiness for your parents. so you are living for them. then you life has no meaning. you have to accept your parents dont really love you. they dont know how to love. everything is superficial to them. you dont love yourself enough or appreciate God. because he gave you a heart to love, have children, and spread love through them. you gave it up. if giving your life meaning means marrying him and leaving home with your parents disowning you forever, good. once you marry anyone, you dont belong to them anyways. you are insulting God more when you dont follow your heart, which is where God is. choose; your parents or God. choosing love is choosing God. love for your beloved. if this means they say you are being disrespectful, so be it. God knows you’re not. be more holy. follow your heart, which is where God lives. find the boy. marry him. live with him. your problems will go away. in the end, your parents may never agree, but one day, they will want to connect with you, especially if you have children. break free. find the boy. which is finding God. right now, do it. go.
All of this is very interesting and most of it is really very useful. Thank you all. I have a different experience, not from India, but from the Middle East. Yet, there are striking similarities.
My father ferociously opposes my marriage to a local girl on the ground that her family is “no good” (sic). No evidence is given. The same father happily consented to my sister marrying a French man (whom she met online) and to my brother marriage a French (whom he also met online). But in my case, I am marrying for the same society: the girl shares withe me language, faith, and even ethnicity. I met her in person and was able to “date” her only after I was engaged to her. My family initially supported the project, and changed within a day or two arguing that the girl is no good and so is her family.
As in the cases mentioned in this site, my family threatens to cut me off from their lives and to consider me dead. Even though I do not depend on them financially and actually I do not even live in their continent, let alone their country, the emotion pressure their put on me is unbearable.
It is a lost case for them, but my enigma is that I have no idea why they are opposed. It is beyond me and please do not try to guess, you will not know what goes in the mind of parents. They may not know it themselves.
Hello All,
I am a Hindu guy and my girlfriend is a Muslim.
I think the first sentence itself will give you an idea about my problem. Both of us are financially independent. Both of us are not very religious and we understand and love each other a lot.
Both sides parents are not happy with our decision of marrying each other. I want to keep my parents happy as well. I am feling very low these days. My girlfriend is having bad time as well with her parents except for the fact that she is staying away from her parents.
My parents are otherwise quite broad minded but I dont know why they are against me in this case. I have tried many ways to convince them but all in vain.
Even the girls parents are well educated but they have the same grudge for our community.
We were just friends initially but we never realised that that it would come this far.
I know there is no formula for solving this problem but would appreciate if anyone would like to comment about it.
If not just pray for me 🙂 I really need your wishes.
hai….
My love life is also in big trouble.I am in love with a guy who is of different language.He is from U.P and i belong to kerala.I ‘ve met his parents and his family member’s and relatives have no problem with this marriage.But the problem is in my parents are not accepting this relationship, specially my mother…Everyone at my home is blackmailing me emotionally…I told my parents to just meet the person i love…but they are not interested.Now my parents are out of station but stil on phone they used to scold me regarding this matter..I am stern on my decision.I want my parents accept this relation happily…but i dont know how and when it will happen…plshelp if u all have any suggestions…………
Hello,hope you might have gone through all the above discussions. as the above discussions say, we live in India and so we have to think very seriously about raising our kids. I am also agreeing love marriages, as it is for our life happiness. You will have kids for your happiness, but think of their future also, they will have no typical identity.I am not a pessimist but i am a victim of this, so i can say this with confidence. And you should also think of your spouse, he will will feel the loneliness in your family functions. If you think you both can be happy it is fine. Everything is fine in war and love. But you just follow your heart. And i have few doubts, even if now your spouse accepts your culture dont you think that you will lose your kerala culture? You will automatically be dragged towards the UP culture even if you dont want. I dont mean accepting a new culture is bad but what about your emotional security?
At present everything will be good for you, because when you are love you cant see the negative part of the things. But when the things go wrong in future your parents will just blame you as it is all your decision. So you may feel loneliness and regretted. This is only a chance but thought of discussing.
You think of your relation in the view of a third person and even then if you feel that you can be happy and you are just following your heart, just go ahead.
Wish you all the best
i am saddened that I cannot make the choice of pleasing my parents or myself.It hurts to know destiny was written out but cannot always be followed.
Its the same story here.. I am in love with a guy who is of diff language.. ..My parents had no problem with our relationship but his family is still not ready to consider our feelings…. they are not even ready to meet me or my parents….they forever try to emotionally blackmail him saying how many more years we have please allow us to live them happily…and all…in the process my parents are losing their patience… and they went ahead n consulted an astrologer… who says that this cant work… now the point is i don’t believe in this horoscope thing at all…but my parents do and now the fight which was just one sided has ended up being two sided fight… its creating unhappiness everywhere… I am all bittered inside… I truly believe in the fact that nothing in life happens just like that… we dint meet because we were destined to get separated…. and we both know how strong and honest we both feel for each other… I am even ready to learn their language in fact already learning it… but still they are not listening to it… I don’t know but i still feel miracle will happen …. and they will say yes one day…. my gut feeling says so….but till that time.. i just hope this does not kill the beautiful relationship that we have built….and its not like we r in our teens to get into relationship and get carried away… we both are working professionals.. earning pretty handsomely for our age… and can really afford all types of luxuries for both the sets of parents….but then we don’t want to go against our parents wish…. its just makes me to shout aarrrghhhhhhh!!!!!
I really want to question God… cant parents feel the depth of feelings their children have for their chosen partner? what type of happiness are they going to achieve by making their children unhappy for the rest of their lives…!!!! They forever strive to give all good things to their children only to scar their life and disapprove of their partners…and make them unhappy for the rest of their lives and then call we made a wise decision for your happiness..????
hey can you please tell me what happen to your situation…how is it working…how did you go about it…as I am in similar situation…his parents also are not for us to be togg
de worst part s wen de gal/ guy ditches their partner saying cant hurt one’s parents, who hav lot of ‘hope’.
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