Tere baare mein jab socha nahi tha
Mein tanha tha magar, Itna nahi tha
The song by Jagjit Singh always reminds me of lost love
Almost three years back, I almost got married. I was happy then. I was 26 then. The perfect age of getting married? Being in a love and marrying the person you love is the best things to happen. But things didn’t work out. I am not able to convince myself to go through the procedure again. In Marathi, we have a saying, which means something like, “Doodhane jeebh bhajli tar taak sudha fukun pyava”, which means, when you burn yourself with hot milk; you will start drinking buttermilk after blowing into it to make it cold.
I am happy to be single. And it’s good to be free. It becomes difficult if you have been in a relationship. It’s difficult to adjust to the loneliness, being alone stuff. If you never been in a relationship and never been close to another person, being single is a smooth ride. But going back to being a single after a relationship, then that’s the time you realize what you are missing. I had a hard time adjusting to my single life after her. It’s realizing that she will not be there to share my happiness, sorrows, insecurities, victories and my losses. It’s like standing without support when you just got used to it.
But I stood again. Atleast I think I did.
Being in love is like having butterflies in your stomach. Did you have butterfly in your hands? No not catch them. Have them sit in your hand. Make a cocoon with your palms around them. Their tiny wings flutter to escape from your hand. They don’t bite or cause you any harm. Neither do you want to harm them. But the fluttering of wings in your hands is a wonderful feeling. Imagine that feeling in your stomach. Love is like that feelings. Our emotions trying to escape and the fluttering of wings of joy give us that most desirable happiness.
So why am I not getting married? Some of my over smart friends would ask me “All’s well?”
Yes! All’s well. But then the question I ask is “Why?” I have seen so many marriages and these are both love and arranged marriages. So nothing against love or arranged marriages. But I have yet to see something that would make me feel sad for not getting married. But I guess you won’t find a perfect relationship. Actually I feel I am happier without marriage as for now. I get up whenever I want. I eat whatever I want. I don’t have to worry when I snore. I don’t have to worry about my weekends. I can just roam or stay at home. Sure there is this occasional urge to share an emotional bonding. But I have stayed alone for 29 years of my life. I know how to survive. Atleast I hope I do.
I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. But as for now, things are not bad, as it seems. And to the question why I am not getting married? I don’t know. I still haven’t figured that myself.
Carrie from “Sex and the city” once remarked;
“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.”
I guess I am waiting for my butterflies!