If you have a valentine and have already made plans with the candle light romantic dinner and roses and chocolates and beautiful poetry and whatever you do with your partner that day,
Move ahead! This is not for you. You don’t need this.
This is for the remaining people who are incapable or unlucky or stupid or just plain ugly like me to get a valentine. These people then end up looking at other people’s partner and then crying out and feeling depressed of not having what they will never get. You may experience the feeling of being lonely, dejected, depressed, unwanted, rejected and unloved. These days, any website I go, they have these red hearts and beautiful flowers and everything that makes a good romantic night, day or week or year. Whatever!
So this is about how to survive Valentine day when you don’t have a valentine and no, I repeat no chances of having one this year. This is to avoid feeling lonely, dejected, depressed, unwanted, rejected and unloved. Even if you 0.00000000000000000000001 percent chance of having a valentine, you could go to the Valentine blog next door.
I have perfected this art through 5 years of research and thinking 2743638 man-hours over the problem. Don’t challenge me; I have a log of my research. I can send the photocopies of the same to you. But you have to pay the courier charges and also the photocopying charges. The research does not pay you see. The 5 years is the time since I began to understand that there is a day for expressing your love called Valentine day. Does it mean that you can’t express your love on other days? Well! That’s for another day.
Coming back to our problem of surviving Valentine without a partner. I know all of you are waiting with bated breath to hear my well-researched, scientifically approved and tested techniques.
The techniques work on the simple principle and I want you to repeat after me: “There is no Valentine day”. Yes please repeat after me, no need to be ashamed about it “There is no Valentine day”. After you have reassured yourself about the non-existence of the day, lets go further and divide our strategy into three important steps
Step 1: The Preparation
During the course of my research, I have come to a conclusion that Valentine day comes on 14thth of February! That’s great and it makes our mission even easier. First get a nice big calendar. It would be better if you select the Pirelli kind, those with those hot models. Yes I can see that smile. You know about them don’t you? So after getting the calendar and having a good look and admiring the calendar, (its supposed to be a work of art you know, you dirty mind) mark 14th Of February every year. Even I was amazed of the accuracy. I mean every year 14 Feb with a big marker. I know it sound stupid but there is some logic behind it. Remember my research.
Valentine day is a big sales opportunity. Everyone who sales remotely anything close to love will be waiting to make profit on the valentine mania. These people will start preparing you a month and in some cases even months before valentine. You will be bombarded with advertisements of flowers, chocolates, restaurants, gifts, holidays, movies, and candle light dinners, holidays. Lingerie and whatever you can think of. So a month or if you want to be extra safe even two months before you can stop reading newspaper or have some one cut advertisements from them, stop looking at billboards, try asking to record TV programs without advertisements in them. See you have to protect yourself from these publicists.
Join the “Ban the valentine day” groups. There are hundreds of them. You could accuse Valentine day of corrupting the young minds of our country and also corrupting our great traditional values and culture. . If you believe the truth that these young minds are already far more corrupted, I can give you more reason to join these groups.
During Valentine day the sales of flower increases by 79.2368%, the sales of greeting cards increase by 82.6473933% and candles sales increase by a whopping 92.637383%. We believe that flowers have the right to live up to their old age and simply wither away and as a member of “Society for the prevention of cruelty on beautiful flowers and not-so beautiful flowers” (SFTPOCOBFANSBF), we condemn the sale of excess flowers on Valentine day and demand to put a ban on Valentine day itself so that flowers have a chance to live. Paper is used to make greeting cards, Paper comes from trees and trees come from forest. So “Save the Forest” foundation could trigger another demonstration. Come on guys, I gave you two ideas. You can think on candles, don’t you? The objective is to have as much hatred about this day of love.
Step 2: The Valentine Day
In spite of so much pain you must have gone through, we cannot delete the day from the calendar and the day finally arrives. If it’s a normal weekday with normal office, then you have no problems. But if it’s a weekend, then you need someway to get into the office. Try to convince your boss to give you as much work as possible. You have to be ready to bury yourself in work. This will help you as follows
- You will have so much work that you cannot think of Valentine day and then no chances of feeling lonely, dejected, depressed, rejected, unwanted and unloved.
- Because of the work, you will feel tensed, angry, on the edge, ready to boil up, ready to erupt. This will help you as people will avoid you because of bad behavior and the way you abuse them. This means no one will talk to you about Valentine
Warning: Please take care to avoid having so much work that you miss the New Year party too.
Avoid talking to people who have
- Just married (2 years married ones also come in the Just married category, you know 1st Valentine and stuff)
- Just Divorced
- Going to get married
- Going to get divorced
- Just got in a relationship.
- Just out of a relationship
- Been in a relationship for more than a year.
- Been out of a relationship for less than a year
- People selling roses, cards and candles as a extra source of income in the office
- People selling roses, cards and candles.
The above people get very emotional and in turn make you emotional and then you feel, lonely, dejected, depressed, unwanted, rejected and unloved. So avoid them. Remember they will not take you to their Valentine day celebration. They are all selfish people.
If you get to home early, the TV plays the mushy romantic movie and valentine day special episodes of all the comedy serials you like to see. Avoid the TV. Get your DVDs of Die Hard series, or Evil dead or The Ring or any other horror you can lay hands on. Its better to get scarred and stay awake the whole night for the fear of some unknown monster that might get you, then getting to feel lonely, dejected, depressed, rejected, unwanted and unloved.
Step 3: The next day – The aftermath
Avoid the list of people mentioned in the second step.
Take a holiday. If you already taken so much work that you can’t take a holiday, then you already have the behavior to keep people away as already mentioned in the second step. No need to take a holiday. People will stay away from you. But if you have not taken so much work then give yourself a break. Go for shopping. There would always be a post Valentine sale and you have a chance of getting the goods at their actual price instead of the double price you would have to pay during the Valentine seasons.
Go on pamper yourself. Buy that super duper hyper speed double force jet speed active Garden hose you never wanted and even though you don’t have a garden. What the heck? Post Valentine sale comes once in a year. You can use that in your toilet to wash after you finish the activity that you normally do in the toilet.
Finally a last step. Try getting a Valentine next year instead of reading through such a boring stuff or better you can always come back here and take advantage of my well-researched, scientifically approved and tested techniques. I can come out with part 2 you know. But on popular demand.
Also, the techniques are from a Man’s point of view. So it may or may not adapt to woman. So if you are a woman and do not have a valentine, you can customize the above techniques to suit your non-Valentine day. And if you are a very beautiful woman and still surprisingly do not have a valentine;
I am still free here.