Today the 13th of July 2004. Today is her birthday. Its been two years since I last met her. I still remember her putting her on the train to her native place. We embraced each other oblivious of the fact that we were in a public place in India. I could see that she didn’t want to go. Neither did I. But She had to go. She smiled as the train moved out. I smiled back. I stood on the platform as the train pulled out of the station. A sense of emptiness filled me. But she is going to come back. A month later she would be in my arms.
But she didn’t come. Something happened. And now she is someone’s else. She’s gone. I loved her. Still do. I don’t know about her. But I really do. She was the only girl I had loved all my life. No girl had come close to where she is in my heart.
And then everybody says “This is life. You have to move on”. Move on? where? You were never moving earlier. Just living and where do you move? To whom? To what? You tell a beggar to move on. You tell the passenger in front of you to move on. You are in a queue and people scream at the top of thier voice “MOVE ON”.
Its true, you have to move on. But do you really have options? I never had any options before her. The picture isn’t great now too. I am not a person who jumps from one relationship to another. How about something else? Find that old hobby or join something. No, i tried that. it didn’t work. The next option was office. It did work. I volunteered to do everybody’s job. Kept busy. I became busy so much that there was never a time for myself. Life became a schedule. I used to joke to her “If you leave me, I would work so much that my life would become a schedule” That joke became a cruel reality. Do an extra shift? I am there. Want to come the whole weekend? I am there. You start collecting compensatory offs. Now I have so many holidays with me, that I don’t know what to do with it. But the work goes on.
Its surprising, all the years I had known her, we never celebrated her birthday together. Even when we were close, she was somewhere else, with her friends celebrating her birthday. This year again its no diferent. Last year I celebrated her birthday alone. This year I will celebrate it alone again.
Now I am in another country and there’s a lot of time with me. The memories, the moments come back. The time I spent with her. Everything comes back. I got to have a diversion. I still remember her as if she was with me. We had promised that we will be looking at the moon at the same time and remembering each other. We had a good laugh that time. But even today when I looked at the moon, I get those memories back. I didn’t know something as common as the moon will make me remember her.
I miss her resting her head on my shoulders. I miss her, telling me “I love You” out of nowhere. I miss her, voice on the telephone telling me how she missed me. Being so close to her was just a reason for me to be happy. I miss those long walks which we use to have on the beach. I miss shopping with you for as small thing as tea or milk. I miss, when she use to tell me what she did the whole day when I was not there. I miss her telling me about the plans she had about our future. I miss her telling me What she wanted to make our children?
I miss her feeding me food and laughing when I felt embarrased about it. I miss her making tea and giving me the bigger cup. I miss the breakfast she made for me. I miss holding her when she worked in the kitchen. I miss stealing a kiss from her in a crowded train. I miss watching the moon together. I miss missing my office for her. I miss going late to office just to stay longer with her. I miss her telling me how she had learned to save money and feeling proud about it. I miss her getting angry with me. I miss trying to convince her. I miss her asking me how did she looked when going out. I miss her giving me kiss after she had applied lipstick. I missed her laughing when i tried to rub it off. I miss crying with her. I miss smiling with her. I miss laughing with her. I miss reading a magazine together. I miss just being in her arms. I miss her telling me how she freed her Uncle’s pig to hide when her mother came to beat her. I miss her telling me How she had fun in her childhood. I miss her telling me how she got her first job. I miss her telling me how she was apprecaited in her first job. I miss her telling me How she worked in Pune. I miss sitting in the park together talking about each other. I miss your excitment when withdrawing money from ATM. I miss the concern she had when I told her about my financial problem. I miss her reminding me to pay the shopkeeper when I use to forget to pay. I miss her waiting for me on the railway bridge, angry at me for coming late. I still see that bridge that maybe just maybe she will be there. I miss us on Marine Drives. I miss having Kulfi together on the beach. I miss her sweet kiss. I miss her walking very close to me. I miss moving my hand through her hairs. I miss cooking together. I miss her smiling and telling me “Don’t worry everything will be fine”. I just miss being with her. I miss the togetherness.
Loving someone can be the most beautiful thing in the world. Remembering loving someone can be the most destructive. It becomes diffcult when you build your dreams, your life around people. Its devastating when people leave. But you learn to survive. Its difficult But you do. I did. But the moments, the time I hold on ? How can I let them go? How can I let the happiest moment of my life go? I don’t have the answer. And I don’t want to find out. I just want to treasure them and be happy about the way it was. Those memories are for a lifetime.
Ive heard the quote: “If you truely love someone let them go, if they come back you know it was meant to be” and versions of it many times. But truely i think thats if you love someone you dont let them go, hold on to them and cherish what you have and make it last for eternity.