Use and Throw!

Warning: A very long short story.

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He ran toward the platform. Looked at the platform indicator. She wasn’t there yet. He looked at the clock on the platform. It was half past six. She was late again. He heaved a sign of relief. It was good that he was before her. He wouldn’t have liked to give an explanation. Moreover she wasn’t in a good mood when she called up. He selected a corner on the platform from where he could see the platform indicator. She told to wait under the Indictor

He looked around. The platform was full with people. People, trying to reach home after a hard days work. He on the other hand was waiting for her. She was his college friend. They had belonged to a big circle of friends. Even with his demanding job most of them had managed to stay in touch. And She, She was special. He always liked her. She was probably his first crush and only love. Still was. He never had a chance or dared to ask her. But now with Ashish in her life, there was hardly a chance. But still she was his friend.

They talked, discussed even argued but all these years managed to stay in touch. It has been 3 years since she first met him. Three years! Does she not know? Maybe she does and likes someone else. Maybe she does not like him. Maybe she does like him and was waiting for him to say something. There are lots of possibilities in that one word.

He looked around. The platform was bustling with activity. Andheri was as always busy at this time. There were people going, coming traveling around. It was a typical Mumbai suburban platform. Never empty. It was 7:40 PM. By 11:00 the platform would be occupied by less people, but never would be fully empty. The city never sleeps, never. He remembered the times when he was late and had managed to catch the late late trains. Still, there were people on the platform.

He looked around. People, people everywhere and no one to talk to. He observed their faces. Nobody cared that he stood there alone and watching them. He was just a face in the crowd. They had problems of their own to care about him. They had salary, rent, loans, school fees, exam, boss, colleague, family, children, parents, and the most important, the crowded train. Who had the time to look at a unknown man looking at their faces?

Come to think of it, he had his own problems. The day started bad and ended worse. He would have still been in the office had she not called. His bank account was on the verge of giving up on him. He still had the telephone bill to pay before the last date. His mother had asked him to deposit money into her account as she had some bills to pay. What to tell her? That there is no money in the bank. No! Too much pride to loose. Even in front of his own mother. There were still 3 days before the salary. He had to ask somebody.

The day had started with quarrels in the office. The boss had almost humiliated him in front of everybody. Being a support person wasn’t an easy job. Everybody blames the support guy. He had his food when the whole office was having their evening snacks. Actually there was no lunch just snack. Why the hell he was doing it?

Not a nice time to meet her. She had her own problem and probably wanted some help from him. He was not in a mind to think, let alone help her. But she called and he couldn’t say no. He had to come.

The cell phone rang. For a moment, he didn’t pick it up. There were so many cell phones nowadays that it was difficult to determine which one was ringing. He finally realized it was his own, when people started looking at him. He groaned. Has to be from the office. Nobody else called him. He saw the name. It was Amit. Amit was from the same circle of friends in college. He picked up and barked “Hello”

“Hey! How are you?”

“What is it Amit? I am outside?”

“Outside? Aaj halfday? Or left the job?”

“Had work”

“Oh ho? Had work? Listen I am with some friends. Thinking of drinking tonight? Wanna come?”

“First – I don’t drink. And second – Neeta is going to kill you when she knows that you have been drinking”

Neeta was Amit’s girl friend or fiancé as Neeta likes to call herself. She was critical of Amit’s drinking and other 50 things she didn’t like about him and thought he should change. She was adapting to the role of a wife and Amit unknowingly was becoming the ‘hubby’.

“Oh come on! How on the earth would she know? She thinks I am at the office? How much time you will take?”

“I can’t tell”

“You are in Andheri platform, I can hear the trains. Its just 30 minutes if you manage to squeeze through”

“I can’t tell baba. And still I don’t drink and I am completely broke”

“What with this record of can’t tell? What the hell are you doing so early from office?”

“She is coming. She wants to talk”

“Congrats! Why didn’t you just tell me that aaj baat pakki hogi”

“Nothing like that and you know that”

“Ok I know. Tu sudrega nahi. Aacha Sun. I am going. If you are coming give me a call and don’t worry about money I have enough”

Without saying bye, the phone went silent. He looked at the phone. He had lost concentration and watch since Amit was on the phone. He looked at the Indicator again. 6:50 PM. Still no sign of her.

“Missed an appointment?” She asked

He looked around. She was standing there in her blue chudidar as beautiful as always. At least, beautiful to him. But she was beautiful, more to him than anyone else. She had been standing next to him. Since how long? Did she hear his conversation with Amit? He hoped not. He tried hard to remember if he had spoken about her. He could not remember. He looked at her face trying to find what she knew. Her face didn’t tell him anything. Her face never told her anything and still told a lot.

“Missed an appointment? She repeated her question again

“huh! No! no! It was Amit”

“Oh Amit, How is he? And How is Neeta?

“Both are fine. How about you?”

“I am ok. Wanted to talk to you”

She didn’t ask how he was. Maybe she assumed that he was ok. Her face seems to tell the tension on her face. Whatever it was, it was important. It was almost 7:00 PM.

“Maybe we should sit somewhere”

“Huh! Yes! Sure. Lets go to the restaurant at SV Road. Not many people are there at this time.”

She nodded a silent agreement and both began walking. She was adjusting her duppatta from time to time. He looked at her. If only she knew.

“How is work?” He asked. No relevance. Just a formality

“Ummmmm ok” the answer didn’t have any thoughts linked to it. The answer was just a formality not that he cared about her work at this moment.

She was visibly silent. He looked at her again. She was lost in herself and was looking around. Never at him. But around. But her mind didn’t seem to register anything. Just a gaze into nowhere. People were rushing past them.

They reached the restaurant. Inside there were odd couples sitting around but all in all the restaurant was empty. They could talk in peace there. They found a quite seat at a far corner. The waiter turned the fan on above the table. The fan offered some relief from the summer heat. The waiter came and kept 2 glasses of water in front of them. He looked at the waiter and asked for the menu. She stopped him and asked for a “Thumps Up”. He signaled a second one.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

She said no with her head. The waiter came back with two cold drinks. He sipped from the straw and then relaxed on the cushion seats feeling his wet sweat-soaked back feel the softness of the seat. He looked at her. She still looked the same the way she looked in college. Just as lovely, just as innocent and just as lovable. Only now there were some strains of worry on her face. He waited. She had called him. She would talk. He knew. She needed time to relax but she would speak.

He looked at her. The college days came back to him. How much they had enjoyed each other’s company? They had become the best of friends. They had a big friend circle then. But both of them were closer, closer than anyone else. Everyone in the group knew. He was in love, madly in love. Nobody knew if she knew. Nobody knew if she was in love? There had been many bets, many discussions about her, her feelings. But nobody knew, not even her close friends. She was a mystery and she remained one when college ended.

Life one day suddenly stops to be fun and then becomes a vicious cycle of responsibilities. Everyone went his or her own way. Some got good jobs, some didn’t. The whole group used to meet in the beginning. The odd weekends, the holidays, sometime movies and then poojas and function in each other house. The big circle of friends they all were. But with time, the circle started to become smaller. He got busy. He didn’t have time. He had a demanding job. He was losing contact. The college friends were replaced with office friends. A project with colleagues became his source of enjoyment. But he never lost the contact with her.

He mailed her. First everyday and then once a week and then once a month. He was alone and so was she. The “How are you?” mails became more personal. What she could not say on his face, she was saying in the mails. Twice-thrice a week, the mails would come and he would reply. He was like knowing her once again. All over just like he was meeting her for the first time. He understood her better. He understood her fears, her happiness, what she liked, and what she didn’t liked, what she wanted and what she didn’t want?

Each mail each word was driving him somewhere. What was she intending to do? Where was she leading him? What did she want from him? He didn’t know. But he listened and she knew he listened. Never complaining, never interrupting and spoken only when spoken to. She could be sad with him. She could bare all her fears and she could show her happiness. She could be angry with him and she knew he understood. He was her punching bag. One who never hit her back. Just took the punches.

And then, it happened.

She met him. She met Ashish. She was in love. She was deeply, madly in love. She was happy. She was very happy and it was not with him but Ashish. Ashish was the reason not he. He wanted to be the reason for her happiness but Ashish was first. Actually Ashish was second but somehow, just like that he slowed down and he was second now. Ashish came first. The early days were good for her. The mails stopped. He wondered and thought should he mail her? He had never done that before. But her mails had become a habit.

They rarely met, they rarely talked but they talked and talked a lot on mails. And suddenly it all stopped. Was she busy? Was she in town? Did she loose my email id? He heard stories from others. Stories of how she was happy with Ashish. Stories of her and Ashish. He wanted to go and tell her. Tell her how he had loved her all the time. How from the time he knew her, how he had loved her. But he was losing her. He knew. He accepted it. There was nothing he could do. He didn’t do anything when she was there. He could not do anything now. Now with Ashish, the Super man, the man of every girls dream was around, he didn’t stand a chance. He had never met him. But he knew he was good. She could never make a bad choice.

Days passed and then months. He became busy again. Forgetting her was his only choice. He dreaded the day when her wedding invitation would be in his hands. He would read, go through her mails when he was alone. He would click on the reply button and then just close the window to concentrate on more important things. She was not important. Or was she?

And one morning just as he logged in, just as he was late in preparing the report, just as had the most important meeting to attend, there was the mail. Her mail. His heart skipped a beat. What it was about skipping a beat. Did he really skipped a beat? Wouldn’t he die, if he skipped a beat? What was he thinking? Wasn’t he supposed to read the mail? He opened it? It was big. She was sad. Things were not going according to plan. Things that seemed to be a lot easier were in fact not so easy after all. Ashish parents opposed. Her parents opposed. There were fights in the house. Ashsih was tensed too. They were on the edge. And they snapped. They had a fight. Everyone was against her, parent, his parents and even Ashish. The whole situation was getting out of control.

He read the letter. She was sad. She was definitely sad. She needed him. Him or Ashish? He didn’t know. He replied. He had never experienced any problem like that but he did reply. Words formed sentences and sentences formed meaning. The mails started again and then it became the same steady stream of mails. They were back to the pro-Ashish-days again as if nothing had changed, as if two friends had been on holiday and could not contact each other. Now after the holiday, they were back and continued their conversation. He was happy again. Life was beautiful again. This time with the mails, there were phone calls too. Yes! They still did not have future but he did not care or he did not want to care. He was happy just to be near her. There were talks of Ashish but he was able to take her mind of him. He wanted her to be happy and he was very much successful in that.

Until, until today when she called him urgently and here he was sitting in front of her and waiting for her to talk. She seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

“I have taken a decision” She finally spoke.

“About?” he asked

“About Ashish” She replied.

He searched for any kind of emotions in her but nothing. No sadness, no happiness, absolutely nothing.

“And” He finally asked her

“It has to end between Ashish and Me”

He waited not sure how or what to respond. He did not even know what she meant by bringing an end. He waited

“I am tired of waiting. Its better if we just move on in life.”

His heart started beating faster. He was just seeing a window of opportunity here.

“But you have given so much time and emotion to this relation.” He tried to reason with her. He did not want her break-up to be at the spur of the moment, a decision taken in haste

“No!” As if She read his thought “I have thought a lot about it. Its no use troubling my parents, his parents and everybody” She said looking at him.

That gaze was disturbing. He could not look at her.

“I have decided and its time to move on.”

“To what?”

“To something new. I cannot take this anymore. Its turning out to be life without love and from the person whom I love very much. Sometimes love is not about possessing but about being loved and at least I want to remember the good points rather than cry over its ultimate end.”

He just looked at her. He was still trying to come in terms with what she said. How her decision would affect their relationship was still to be seen. This was going to be ugly for sure. A relationship like this was not going to be forgotten easily.

“What do you want from me?” He finally asked

She looked at him and for the first time in the evening, smiled.

“Nothing! Just be there like you have been till now”

He smiled back. The smile eased the tension. Things were looking up. Maybe the cloud had a silver lining after all

He was not sure where this was leading but he could see some hope here.

“What?” She caught him smiling

“Nothing” He was embarrassed to be caught watching her when she was taking an important decision

“I know what you are thinking” She was still smiling. She felt lighter and it showed in her voice

“What?” Could this be it? He thought as his heart beat faster.

“You are thinking…..” her sentence was cut by her phone ring.

She looked at the phone and the smile vanished. She looked at him and he knew it was Ashish on the other end.

“Should I tell him?” She asked

“No! Tell him personally. Maybe you still have a chance” His voice could not hide the disappointment
She looked at him and picked up the phone. An excited voice sounded on the other end. He sat there looking at her face. The stress on her face while picking up the phone had slowly disappeared. He could see relief. Somehow he knew what to expect. She kept the phone after some time.

“News” She looked at him. She did not say good or bad. He looked at her expecting her to continue

“Ashish parents have agreed.” She calmly said “They want me to meet me now. I would have to go. Ashish says it is just a formality. They have even planned a marriage date next month if my parents agree to the date.”

“That’s good news” he nodded with a smile. He hoped she didn’t see his real face behind the smile.

“Sorry! Have to rush now. He will be waiting for me” She smiled back.

“Yeah! Sure! Tell me the good news soon. You go on now and I guess you can reach before an hour there” He signaled the waiter for the bill

He watched as she smiled and started leaving the restaurant. He saw her go, never to return. This was the end, the moment he was dreading all these months. The waiter came with the bill and he paid.

He sat there silently for some time. When life was just looking up, fate had kicked him down. He smiled and picked up his bag. He turned around to find her standing in front of him. Her sudden presence caught him off-guard.

“Sorry” She looked him in the eyes

“Oh! Don’t worry. I have too many holidays. No problem if I leave office early one day” He smiled back

“You know I am not talking about that” She looked in his eyes. Her gaze again, it was disturbing

His smile disappeared. He just looked at her

“I am sorry” she said “I wish it could have been different”

She turned and walked away. He thought he saw a tear in her eye. She knew. She knew he loved her. It seems she knew from a long time. He watched her go out of the restaurant. He saw her walking hurriedly toward the station, leaving behind a wreckage. He felt his fist tighten. He could just cry now and let it all out, his life, her everything.

The phone ring brought him back to the present. He looked at the number. It was Amit. He did not need him right now. He started walking out and the phone stopped ringing after some time. He wished he wouldn’t call again. He wanted to be alone. But as usual, he never got what he wished for. The phone started ringing again. He groaned

“What?” He picked up the phone

“Abe! Chilata kyon hai be? Ladki ke saath hai toh rob mat jhad” (why are you shouting? Don’t show off because you are with a girl) Amit shouted at the other end

“I don’t want to talk now” He wanted to cut the call as soon as possible

“I know! Don’t like to be disturbed eh?” Amit chided him

“What is it?” he was getting irritated

“Listen” Amit came down to business “I was just gone out for some time and these fu*king friends picked my phone. It was Neeta and she knows I am in the bar”

“So?”

“So, she is pretty much pissed now”

“And?”

“Abe yaar! Only you can convince her.” Amit was requesting “Please talk to her. She is not picking up my phone”

“Amit….”

“Please yaar….. Please! Please!”

“OK” he shouted. He wanted him to get off his back. He cut the phone and stood on the pavement.

The phone rang again. It was Amit again.

“What now?” He picked the call

“You haven’t called her yet” Amit said on the other side “Call her fast yaar”

“Don’t push me Amit”

“Ok! Ok! Sorry” Amit backed out “Please call kar re” The phone went silent

He looked at the phone. This was not the time. This was not the time to convince Neeta. This was not the time to save someone’s world when his whole world was crumbling around him. He stood there on the pavement, standing in front of a sport store. Inside some teenagers played with boxing gloves kicking a punching bag. The teenagers were having fun as they hit hard on the punching bag. He felt like the punching bag being hit. He wished he could cry but tears were difficult to come by. He looked at the phone and dialed Neeta’s number

She picked on the fourth ring.

“Before you keep down listen to me” He told her before she kept the phone down. He looked at the punching bag again

It would be a long night!

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Note: This story took me more than 2 years to write. I started writing it when I was not feeling quite good about myself. After writing four pages in one go, I realized that the story had become too long. The effort to reduce it did not work and it turned out to be more than 5 pages, the longest story I have written. Loosely based on a girl I knew!

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