Ways to Enjoy Valentine alone, Again.

Last year on the Valentine Day, I released my ground-breaking research on Surviving Valentine Day for people who don’t or cannot get a valentine. My research shows that approximately 0.027623635 % of the single people who read it benefited immensely from my research. I am still receiving fan mail/s for that research. If only I could get some cash for my outstanding work which I always keep out, I could first repair the ground in my room.

So this year, again for the benefit of those losers, I mean single people who cannot get a Valentine even today, I am giving you another reason to not to feel lonely, dejected, depressed, unwanted, rejected and unloved.

According to my well-researched, scientifically approved and tested techniques, here are the top 8 ways of avoiding to feel lonely, dejected, depressed, unwanted, rejected and unloved. Now you would want to ask me, why 8? Simply because I could not think more than that.

1. Start Rumors

Start rumors about colleagues. Pick one person and built a conspiracy around him/her. Its fun! Plan his/her date, evening around an imaginary person of the opposite sex. Get people to ask him/her questions about his day and plans. That really gets them pissed off. This would get your mind off from the red roses and red ribbons and red decorations and red……..

2. Join a protest Organization

Protest! Protest! Protest against Valentine day and how it affects our traditional values and blah! Blah! Blah! We can have another Taliban. See to it that you have enough TV channels covering the protest. This will make you famous and girls will know you. You will be most popular person who appeared on a news channel and the next year hopefully you don’t have to read crap like this. If you get your kicks destroying something, then you can ransack some stores selling Valentine gifts.

3. Drink

Drink to your heart content. Go to Restaurants which have special Valentine evenings. Insist on having a table for two and start drinking. Create a ruckus and make life miserable for everybody in the restaurant. Its only fair that if you are having a worse valentine, others have it worse than you. Even if you are not able to disrupt other’s valentine celebration, at least you will make it memorable. Imagine when after many years, someone will be talking about you “Arre! During our second valentine day na, we had this big loser who puked in the restaurant which he took me, right in front of our table. I tell You, he has no choice of restaurants.” You will be a legend.

4. Sing

If you are those dukhi atmas, whose 6^th girlfriend has also left him, it’s the right time to be a devdas and then get paid for being one. Sing all those dukhi songs in front of all restaurants and gift shops which have valentine specials. If your voice is nice, people will pay you for singing and if your voice resembles my voice you will be paid to keep quite. Use the money next day to avail of the Post-Valentine sale.

5. Promote Anti-valentine movies

Remember the mushy romantic movies where the chocolate hero gets his beautiful heroine after so much trouble. Remember the last scene when the hero and heroine walk into the sunset and the end of the movies ends with a contradictory “The beginning”. What they did not show was what happens afterward? What happens when the sun rises the next day? What happens after 2/3/5/10 years. Convince someone to make a movie for the aftermath.

Better, act in a movie showing what happens afterward. Imagine “DDLJ – Part 2”. Raj and Simran after 10 years of marriage

Raj: Aaji sunti ho! Main aa gaya hoo. Thodi chai lana. (Are you there? Could you bring me a cup of tea?)

Simran: Khud he le lo, main munni ka homework le rahi hoo. Aur uthe ho toh Munne ko bahar se leke aana. Subha se khel raha hai. Aur ha, sakhar bhi nahi hai ghar main! (Take it yourself. I am helping Minni complete her homework. While you are at it, bring Munna from outside. He is playing outside since morning. And there is no sugar in the house)

Raj: Kya mujhe ek cup chai nahi milegi? Subha se kaam kar raha hoo office main! (Won’t I get even a cup of tea? I am working since morning)

Simran: Dekho munne ke bapu! Main bhi subha se baithi nahi hoo. Din bhar kaam karti hoo, khana pakati hoo, bache sambhalti hoo. Ab jao aur aate waqt bazaar se 2 kg allu leke aao. (I am also working from morning. Whole day I work, cook food, take care of the children. Now go and get 2 Kg patatoes from the market)

Raj: Saali Indian Railway. (Bloody Indian Railway). Hitting himself on the forehead.

No Sir, Nobody told you, this was going to happen. People need to be educated against these mushy movies.

6. Get back to your ex

Revenge! Revenge will make you happy on Valentine. If your ex is going out with another person, go wherever they go with their new-found love and make them really uncomfortable. If your ex is single, talk loudly on how good was your life with him/her. Better make sure there are many people around when you talk. This will get you sympathy and at the same time they won’t try to hurt you in front of everybody. If your ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend is a burly looking fellow, do not, I repeat do not follow this advice.

7. Run a sting Operation on Restaurants

Ever seen couples enjoying candle light dinner in Restaurants. Actually the exotic French dish they may be enjoying may be just alu ki sabji with a lot of cream and salad. Just a little of decoration and an exotic dish is ready. Plan a Sting operation against restaurants, who charge you 800 bucks for alu ki sabji.

8. Irritate Sales person in Gift shop

Ask them for gifts. Spent hours asking them to show different gifts, Ask for different colours, ask for different sizes and then walk away telling them “You do not have enough variety”

So look ahead at a day by yourself, again on Valentine day. Try these tested techniques to enjoy Valentine day, all alone, again.

If you think most of these methods mentioned above are sick, think again….

I am a Maharahstrian!