A few days back one of my friend was discussing a common friends problem with me. The problem is quite common and it has been the nth time I have heard the same problem. Two people fall in love and their parents oppose because they belong to different religion/caste/Language. Parents try to oppose and try various ways to stop them from meeting and in turn making the situation quite messy.
Two prominent questions that came during our discussion were
• Why do parents oppose their children’s prospective spouses on the basis of caste?
• Is it right for children to go against parents wishes and marry a person, especially when they (the parents) have done so much for their children?
I try to answer those queries. The views are of my own.
Why do parents oppose?
The society is made of undefined rules and regulation. We tend to group people together. Americans, Europeans, Asian, Africans, Indians, Marathi, Gujrathis, Malayalis, Brahmins, Kshatriya, Bhandari, caste, sub-caste, sub-sub-caste. We have our views, our thoughts about these people. It is always a group. You never think of a person as an individual. He/She has to belong to some group. We may not hate the person but we definitely hate the group, consciously or unconsciously.
If we look at any parents who have opposed their son/daughters marriage to a person of another caste, they have some view about the caste of the prospective spouse of their son/daughter. Deep in their heart, they may agree that the chosen person may be a good match for their son/daughter. But they can’t rise above their hate to accept the boy/girl, which means stepping on the happiness of their son/daughter. Once you hate a group, you hate all the people in the group.
If we look into ourselves, we hate some group of people. They may belong to a certain community, culture, religion or country or any other criteria. Where does this hate come from? From generations to generations. Who told us that these people are bad? You never knew them. How many people of that group you know? Not many! Because some elder said that in front of you, you assume that the whole group or community is bad. The same way, parents believe that all people belonging to the particular group are bad. They also has to go along with thier own caste people which support thier theory that all people from that groups caste are bad. He cannot go against his own people.
Now let me ask you a question. How do you justify any decision based on hatred? Are they right when a decision is taken on the basis of hate.
Is it right to hurt our parents when they have done so much for us?
No! You are right! Its not right to hurt our parents. Not because they have done so much for her, but because you love them and respect them.
But everything done for us by our parents, does it need to be repayed back? Did your parents do everything for you so that one day they could recover everything back with interest? Were you a bank balance or a blank check who would do everything for his parents just because they have given you so much? No! you are an individual.
Yes every relationship has expectations. Parents, wife, friends. It is not wrong from our parents side to expect something from their children. They are perfectly right. You love them. You take care of them. You look after their every needs, emotional and physical or monetary. It is your duty to take care of them and you should.
But at the same time, you have your life. Why does your every aspect of your happiness have to depend on your parents happiness? You get happiness by serving your parents and you are good at it. When you choose a partner yourself, you choose her according to the expectation you have in your life. You know or at least hope that she will make you happy. This can be right or wrong. It is possible that you are completely wrong and things don’t turn out to be well. But its your life. You have to spend your life with that person. And mind you, your parents will not be spending their life with him/her.
Choosing your life partner should be in the domain of an individual. Every individual has his needs, emotional, physical and even sexual. You choice of a life partner depend on those needs. And if you think that you need to go against your parents to fulfill these needs, it is a right thing to do. Do you think your parents will be able to help you, (even if they try) when things go wrong with a girl of their choice? I don’t think so.
Why do people have children? Not for you. Not because they have a moral responsibility to bring you on earth. They have children because they want to experience the happiness of parenthood. When they force you to marry someone of their choice, does it mean that they want you the price of giving birth to you?
A few would tell you that parents are more experienced and hence know what is right or wrong for you. But they are also human being and can make errors. I agree when parents can warn children of marrying someone who is not right for them. But opposing someone because he/she is of a different caste, I don’t see any logic.
Hi Punds,
Obviously the paste issue has been a recurring theme in your and your friend’s life.
I agree completely about your views on the issue.
My only point is that the couple in question must be prepared more some realities that comes with different backgrounds (my comment is based on regions/countries not caste - as I don’t believe in caste)
These realities are:
1. Language - they may not have a common second language, this makes it difficult to converse with some members of the family as they may exclusively speak that language only. This means that at family functions - the spouse/partner who does not speak tha language acan feel isolated even if its not intentional.
2. Religion - this may not be important in the begginning but often crops up when you are raising children. Differences in this can often lead to irresolvable issues later
3. Background - I am not talking just socio-economic but difference in background can have a huge impact later in life. Whether we like it or not a marriage is a marriage between two families and even though the individuals concerned do not perceive any difference, expectations from other family member can have a big impact. For example: I know of many girls who have married into families who are more conservative than their own and often come up against, often unspoke, different expecation for doing housework or role of the girl in the family. Though the husband may be supportive of the girls career - it is something she may have to justify constantly or deal with by not feeling as if her career is valued by her in-laws.
All these issues can be resolved but the couple in question have to think through this and understand how they will deal with these and more things that married life can throw at you.
I think parent’s responsibility is to make sure that their children have thought through these things and are satisfied with the other person’s thinking on these issues.
The hardest thing, I think, for a parent is to see your child encountering problems in their life and many such objections are just based on not wanting their children to have additional issues.
Just few months back i was having this discussion with a few friends. We were discussing homosexuality. I said that while I have no prejudices I might have some difficulty if my children were homosexuals. My point was that the additional challenges/problems my children may face because of their sexual orientation is what would be the most difficult aspect for me.
While our issues may be over sexual orientation, our parent’s saw similiar discrimination due to caste, religion, colour and may not want their children to experience additonal problems.
Of course, if all of these issues are resolved in couple’s mind and their love is strong then I think caving in simply because some elders do not agree is wrong.
Glad to see you writting again.
My 2 cents on this subject:
Parents/grand parents live in extreamly closed soceity, which supports them in several ways. This support system is based on the family relations, caste/religion, language and state etc. To them, marriage is not just union of two people and it’s union of two support systems. Hence marriage is decided based on the rules of caste,language etc. In most of the cases, parents just follow that judgement of their support system.
Most of the times, when the offspring wants to break those rules, it’s actually breaking the support system. Having gotten the taste of economic libralization, kids dont care about it, but parents do. which is why they end up opposing revolutionary idea of getting married to person who is beyond their soceity.
As purvi said, if the couple is strong, they can come out with flying colors else, they chicken out.
In either case, life goes on.
have fun
There are many verses in Thirukural, a tamil collection of a few thousand couplets that go on and on about : How you can say the truth, say it respectfully, and how you can say it sweetly, politely yet firmly, in a way that you don’t make enemies but convert others hate to understanding. So it is. It is an art that everyone must strive for. especially needed in Business, Political or any Ethical confrontation where you must hold ground without making someone hostile.
So if you must marry someone, you can sure keep all relations and do it. Only you must be convinced that is right. also it helps if one earns a reputation for being such a person.
I am caucasian, from the US and I am still trying to grasp this. A friend of mine(age 29, extremely nice,very educated,very moral, wonderful family) and an Indian boy(age 30)want very much to get married. They have loved each other for three yrs.and the boy has talked and pleaded with his family to at least meet my friend, but they refuse. My friend has agreed to raise their children Hindu, learn Hindi, celebrate Indian festivals/holidays and take care of his parents as they grow older, but the Indian parents hate my friend without even knowing her, without ever meeting her. Now, the parents are telling the boy to give up the love of his life immediately and marry an Indian girl they have choosen for him. He says he cannot marry someone he does not love (arranged marriage), and that he cannot not marry someone while he is in love with my friend.The parents are screaming at him to end his relationship with my friend and have threatened him. How can “some” Indian parents be so selfish?
Well, my friend’s boyfriend has now given up the love of his life, given up his happiness just to make his parents happy, and he is now very sad. He still refuses to marry, but his parents continue screaming at him and making threats. I understand that this situation is not an isolated incident, but more common then everyone is aware of. Why are some Indian parents so selfish, uncaring and self-serving? Just because they had an arranged marriage does not mean their children must marry the same way. Why do they have to guilt their children into doing what “they” want them to? This incident has truly made me much more aware of the harsh realities of the Indian culture, and how rigid, narrow minded and overbearing it can be.
CJ
I seem tyo have missed your earlier message. But its indeed a sad thing on the part of Indian parents. Yes, Again, its not an isolated case as you said. There are many such instances.
However If you understand, the Indian parents could be feeling alienated by your friend because she belongs to a different country, culture.
What your friend’s boyfriend need to do is remain calm and firm. If he really loves the girl and they wish to marry, they have to be have patience. The boy has to calmly talk to his parents and make them see reason. If he is going to give up now, then it would be bad for him, and your friend emotionally. Its very difficult to commit to another relation after this. Hope they both have the courage to stand against thier parents.
Punds
My wife writes a blog about intercultural relationships… you should check out this post - which talks about the different people who are affected by relationships… there’s also a cpl of posts with advice on meeting the parents for the first time, etc:
http://gorigirl.com/who-is-affected-by-your-intercultural-relationship
Hi, I Am a Brahmin gal in love with a non brahmin guy but we both hail from Chennai and speak Tamil.Both of our parents are not agreeing for this just b’coz we belong to a different caste.We both worship same Hindu God,have common culture with vegetarian food habits,both are in gud position in our job too but parents just see the caste part.And they emotionally blackmail me and scream and shout at me daily non stop for hours together in abusive language.We tried to convince them,but nothing is working out.We thought time would heal everything but things are becoming worst day by day.They will be more bothered about society and relatives but not about my future and how I can marry another guy and lead a happy life for next 40 years just for their sake.Net result is that we lost our happiness totally and daily getting scoldings and mental torture coz of them.India will never change and Indian parents are pathetic (Exceptions are always there).
same story here. i’m a pakistani brought up in england and love an english guy. my parents have tried all techniques to make me feel shit, ie screaming, crying, insulting etc and have successfully manipulated me and my thinking. i end up feeling like i want to die. i lose the energy to fight.
ive tried to analayse why parents are they way they are. they dont know the guy, and base their decisions on how THEY would feel if they married a white person: they would not feel at home, wouldnt like speaking in english all the time etc. they dont care that such considerations dont apply to me.
marriage for desis is all about lifestyle, status and a place in ’society’. if i marry someone ‘great’ (yardstick being that of my parents of course) then THEY would suddenly be the envy of everyone as THEIR daughter is married to somebody great. they woulnd care how i feel on a daily basis for the rest of my life. no, they just care about ensuring that all my brothers and sisters, and me, get married to the ‘right’ people. you are supposed to get married so that people respect you. you dont marry for love. there’s no such thing as love. love is not a necessary ingredient for marriage as far as desis are concerned.
so should i make my life a daily suffering in order to make them happy? as it is, if i marry without my parents consent, my life would be misery. id lose all connections and ties to my biological past. my parents would ostracise me. yet, if i go for an arranged marriage then too id be miserable. im in a no-win situation. which one would minimise my sorrows?i feel suffocated, trapped.