Today, the 25th May is the marriage anniversary of my friend, Unni. He got married two years ago. I sent him a mail today morning with the message “Qaid ke do saal mubarak ho!” (Enjoy the two years of captivity). He hasn’t cursed me yet so my guess is he is not in office.
Today on 25th May, it was three years before, I saw her last. Three years when I said good-bye to her. Three years before I kissed her last. Three years before I saw her sad face on the train to her native place. I guess she is the reason; I can’t forget Unni’s marriage. One year after she left, I sat in Unni’s marriage reception. The newly wed couple standing on the stage looking happy. I came so close to being them.
On Unni’s marriage, I was happy for Unni but I was missing something in my life. It would have been wonderful having her sitting next to me that day.
It has been three years since. She was scheduled to go in the morning train. I had my third shift the night before she left. The train was scheduled to be on 8:30 AM. I dropped her at her aunt’s house. We kept the luggage in the house and roamed on the streets of Girgaon. We had our last dinner together. I was not so keen to leave her and go to the office. Both of us knew that it was not possible.
The night before she left, we talked a lot on the phone. Some of it was sweet nothing. I saw her off the next day on Dadar station. My entire mind was thinking, “Does she really have to go?” But I knew I had to be strong. I could see that she was reluctant to go. Why did I have to be strong? If I hadn’t been strong that day, she would have been with me now.
Now that I think of her, I realize that we never broke up. There was never a big fight. One day I drop her off to a train to visit her relatives and the next month she is married. She is married. Just like that. She may have her own reasons. But I was hanging. I am still tied to her. She may have moved on. But I am somewhere stuck between past and the future. After she left, it became difficult to forget her.
It took a while until I finally accepted that she was gone. Life after her was not fair, not easy. Everyday brought a lot of questions that I couldn’t answer. Each day was a burden to live. Everyday was another sad day with no hope and no tomorrow. It was trouble staying awake because I saw everything that reminds me of her and I couldn’t sleep because I dreamt of her everyday and then the thought of losing her woke me. I had this restless feeling everyday.
If ever I could give her one thing in life, I would give her the ability to see her through my eyes only then she would realize how special she was to me. How can one person bring so many tears to one little eye? It’s hard to fall in love but even harder to accept life without her. It’s not that, I haven’t tried. I once gave her the book, “How to stop worrying and start living”. I read that myself, and acted accordingly. It didn’t work.
It’s amazing that all these self help books and advice from friends really fails to help you. The heart takes its own time to heal. Have I healed? I don’t know. After she left, I stopped talking about her. The tears and the pain were mine and mine alone. I needed diversions and found that in my work. The more I became busy, the less I remembered her. But is it that easy? One moment, one thing, that all it takes for everything to come back. It comes back like a force and it hits you hard.
After three years, I thought I had moved on. Except that she occasionally came in my dreams, I was thinking less and less about her. And then that day when I was talking about her with my friend, I choked. I thought I would break down.
Today I still remember her. Today I still remember holding her hand. Today I still remember her kiss. Today I still remember holding her. Today I still remember her smile. Today I still remember her tears. Today I still remember of us being together.
Who I am kidding? Myself? Have I really moved on? I don’t think so. I don’t know.
Today is another day, just another day
I too am in a similar situation…wanted to come out with a blog myself..but when i read yours i feel like i am reading my own blog.
Its almost a year since i parted ways with her…i am in office now…think i will break down any minute
Hi Anonymous
Its alright to cry. I know I did. And its very difficult to hide the pain.
I know many times I had almost cried at night on the terrace of my office.
But you can’t show that you are weak.
Punds
Snap out of it punds..ur a strong fellow ..dont underestimate yourself..life is too precious to let it slip by for her…
remember there’s a silver lining to every cloud..and there’s a special someone else waiting for you..so dont let her pass by..smile..and live happily..and let go of the past…:)
awww…that was a real sensitive issue and post..
u have to let go. to live in the present you have to forget the past. everything happens for a reason. perhpas there is someone far better out there for you. eventually things turn out the way they should be. i know this coz like many others it happened to me too, one thinks something and some thing else happens.
I just randomly ended up on your site … and have been reading your stories and posts for the past hour!! … that is a huge compliment in itself!! Good job and keep it up
I think its very brave of you to express yourself so openly. And I admire you for loving someone so deeply. So No I don’t think that you need to forget her to be able to move on. Its a beautiful thing that you have for her … its rare and its pure. But I am not saying that you should be miserable the rest of your life either. There is a certain beauty to true love… and you are capable of seeing that. Cherish that gift. Take pride in it. Accept it. And find happiness within. Stop blaming yourself for letting her go. Sop questioning yourself. Embrace it.
You have to learn to love yourself. Love your life, truly enjoy it, be thankful for it … and hopefully let someone else love you., want you, hold you.. long for you.
It is most honorable to “live life to love” but you must also learn to “Love life to live”
Best wishes
-snehal